blooming into me

Daily Gratitude for 12/9/09

2009-12-10T08:02:00.000-05:00

Today I'm grateful for my fear, anxiety and doubt because they aim to protect me, to keep me safe, to keep me out of dangerous situations. I'm grateful I can feel these feelings because without them I would proceed headlong without resistance, without thinking through actions and consequences and without having to consider the effects of my actions. I refuse to label these feelings as negative, foregoing labeling of my feelings at all and just accepting that each emotion has a function and plays a a role in my life. My feelings offer me the opportunity to grow, to challenge myself, to expand my heart and my compassion and to provide depth and empathy to my life. I thank my fear. I thank my anxiety. I thank my doubt. I thank my insecurity. I thank the thoughts that give rise to these emotions. I appreciate and value you them for teaching me that I am not my thoughts; I am not my emotions and I do not have to be small, rigid and controlled by the ebb and flow of such abstract ideas. I thank them for making me a human animal and for offering me the chance to remember that love and fear are two sides of the same coin -- the expression emanating from the same divine source, only filtered through the prism of my experiences. I thank my emotions for giving me the choice to experience all of the light and darkness that shines through the universe and for reminding me that the reality I experience is my choice.

I am grateful for this beautiful winter day, for the warmth that I have -- the heat in my apartment, the clothes on my body, the blankets I snuggle under, the coffee and tea and oatmeal I consume -- and for the protection these offer me from the unpleasant and uncomfortable cold.

I am grateful to my landlord for meeting me half way in a mutually beneficent relationship that allows me to live in comfort and ease, exceeds my need for shelter and surrounds me in beauty and history at the same time.

I am grateful for my body, for its strength and ability to carry me through this life, holding not only my physical response to it but my emotions as well. I am thankful my body is whole, beautiful, capable, strong, unique and forgiving. Mostly I am grateful it is mine. I would not trade bodies with anyone. I am thankful this body has been with me all of my human life and is my oldest ally, my constant companion, the source of fun, entertainment, sensuality, life and joy. I am grateful my body has endured, survived and faithfully maintained through all of the abuse I have suffered and all of the abuse I have caused.

I am grateful for the universe, the Infinite, the Source, Creator, Consciousness, Power and Connection that thrums through and between every atom. I thank this invisible network that guides our lives, opening new vistas to us, holding us in safety and allowing us to open ourselves to vulnerability while all the while ensuring that we are protected and loved. I am grateful for being innately connected by every atom to every atom, never isolated or alone, part of the universe and allowed to contribute part of this magnificent tapestry of life.

I am thankful beyond words, beyond expression, a booming feeling of openness and inexplicable joy overflowing in my heart, that I am so blessed.

I Was Running

2009-11-28T21:29:00.003-05:00

I have now been running for almost two weeks (Monday). At first, I just ran until I couldn't run anymore and then walked for a while. Now, I bring a stopwatch with me and I run for a certain amount of time and then walk for a certain amount of time. I'm using the same couch-to-5K plan that I was doing this spring.

Usually, the first five minutes of exercise sucks for me. And I mean the five minutes after warming up. With running it's different. With running it's the first ten minutes, but after that it's gravy. The first ten minutes I can breathe and my body is stiff and it just sucks.

But then it's like everything gels and I breathe in time with my movements and it doesn't hurt very much and I can run easily (though not up hills. Hills, even slight ones, still kill me).

Last week, I could only run for about 5 minutes before I died. My longest time running consecutively was 8 and half minutes. Today, I ran 7 minute stretches four times (walking for at least 3 minutes in between each). So I'm definitely making progress.

I can't wait to see where I am by April!

Living in harmony with your beliefs

2009-11-15T11:20:00.002-05:00

As part of my dedication to compassionate living, I am learning to live in harmony with creatures that I would usually find icky and terrifying.

In a words, Spiders.

I am really scared of spiders. It's almost a phobia. My worst nightmare is being covered with spiders crawling all over me.

Yes, I know I'm bigger than the spider. Yes, I know, he's more afraid of me.

I always had the rule that they could live as long they didn't do it in my home. But this apartment has 10 ft ceilings and sometimes when I spot the little suckers, I couldn't reach them even if I wanted to kill them.

So I've adapted a live and let live policy. I talk to them. I explain to them that this is my house and I thank for visiting, but now they have to go. I say, "I don't want to kill you, but I don't want to see you either."

There's one spider living on the ceiling above my bed. He's medium sized. There's another one whose built the most ornate web on my window in the extra bedroom. He's all brown and creepy legs. I tried to open the window and shoo him out, but I ended up knocking him down, and then he crawled away to parts unknown.

It's still unsettling that he could be living and roaming through my apartment. I try not to think about it.

So, it turns out that living a compassion life takes courage. Not courage to stand up for your beliefs, but courage to face your fears.

It's a lesson I struggle with every night as I lie in bed and watch Philip (I named him) crawl across the ceiling. I'm trusting that he will not decide to come sliding down from the ceiling and crawl across my face at night.

*Big deep breath*

So far I haven't noticed any spider bites, so it must be working, but damn it's hard.

Nano: Day 13

2009-11-13T15:30:00.003-05:00

I broke 30,000 words today (that's 54 single spaced pages)

This story was/is ready to be born and I've spent November in protracted, if not horrendously painful, labor.

I wake and I write. And then I feed myself whatever is convenient and will allow me to continue typing -- usually something chocolately or salty (I've had popcorn for brekkie for the last three days)

I shower irregularly, usually when I hit a wall and I spend my time in the shower thinking of the ways to break through said wall (Oh and getting clean).

I drink WAY too much caffeine to stimulate the thinking cells.

I sleep when the caffeine wears off and I crash.

Wake and repeat for the past 13 days.

I keep threatening to make myself a big pot of soup, but so far it hasn't happened. My house is clean though. I did manage to get that done when I was having a little writer's block.

I will return to normal whenever my characters tell me I can stop.

Nano part II

2009-11-07T19:09:00.001-05:00

The nano write in went very well.

There were about 20 people there. And I wrote and wrote, which was very cool!! The ideas on the Nano site for breaking through my writer's block totally worked!

So that was cool.

Plus, actually meeting real live human beings. How fun!

And i think I wrote about 1500 words. I don't have a laptop, so I have to write everything out manually. What that means is that when I do type it in, which I'm gonna do tonight, I should have about 3,000 words. Won't that be cool?!?!

I should manage to have 15-20k words by the end of the weekend. I'm so excited that I'm actually doing this I can't begin to tell you. I write everyday, whether I feel the urge or not, and it's actually working.

It is so cool. I've wanted to do Nano for years, but I've been so intimidated -- 50k words seems like so much, but I'm doing it and it rocks.

It's so much fun. I don't have an illusions of grandeur; I don't think about publishing; I don't worry if it's good or not. I just write and I love that I'm writing.

How things are

2009-11-07T09:15:00.002-05:00

Life is good.

Nanowrimo goes well. I have almost 9,000 words -- so almost 1/5 of the way there. I had some writer's block yesterday and the day before and barely managed to punch out 2000 words total (when I should be doing that much/day) but I did some reading on the Nano website and I think I've found some ways to punch through the wall.

This afternoon I'm going to write in at one of the local libraries. Whoo, people! I'm very excited about that.

I talked to Weedie's vet yesterday and she concurs that he probably had some kind of mini-stroke or seizure type episode. But he continues to improve. He's currently sitting on the couch in his former favorite spot, which is a big bonus because until today, he wouldn't even get on the couch. He's still a little leery about the comfie chair, but all in good time.

The museum called this week and they're gonna bring me in either next week or the week after. I told them I'd be gone over T-giving, so they're gonna try to get me in before then.

The job hunt goes nowhere. Nobody hires this time of year. I'm looking but there's really nothing.

And meanwhile Christmas barrels down upon us. I think I have everybody's gifts figured out. The good news, I don't have to buy that much as I'm making a lot of them from scratch. So, a good inexpensive holiday!

And that's how things are here.

:)

Nanowrimo

2009-10-30T21:46:00.002-05:00

Nanowrimo (national novel writing month) is a challenge held every November for writers all over the world. The challenge is to write 50,000 words (about 175 pages) in one month. Lots of people take on the challenge, about 10 percent actually finish. The challenge is mostly for fun and bragging rights. If you succeed in writing the 50,000 words, you name gets posted on the winner's page on the website and they direct you to a site where you can print off your winner's certificate. Oh, and you have a nearly finished product at the end that may have the possibility of being published.

I've never done Nano; I've always been too intimidated. But I woke up dreaming in plot this morning. A story idea I've been kicking around all summer. So, I figured what the heck and decided I'd try to write it this November.

I signed up for Nano this morning. My username is SavannahFaith (so if you're doing it, too, add me as your buddy).

The challenge is really to write everyday. In order to make the 50,000 words, you really have to write about 2,000 words a day. So that's my goal.

I ask that all of you keep on me about this. If you talk to me in November, ask me how it's going. Ask me for my word count. Ask me if I've written yet today.

Keep me on track.

The line between defence and attack

2009-10-26T12:24:00.003-05:00

My anger-fu is working pretty intensely these days, I even mouthed off to my friend, D (but i maintain I was provoked ;D). it's weird. It's like the more I investigate spirituality, the more I learn about the self and the ego-identification that creates it, the more little shit starts pissing me off. It's supposed to start sliding by me, being challenged, being annoyed. Compassion is supposed to emanate from my core and fill me with peace.

But really, I'm shorter with people, more ready to attack, more unwilling to compromise.

It's difficult because it makes me wonder what the point of all this meditation is if I'm LESS peaceful. But at the same time I'm trying to see it as transitionary, the self's fighting to maintain it's superiority and importance.

I just have to keep reminding myself that i am not my anger. I am not my thoughts. They have no meaning beyond what I ascribe to them and how I choose to express them.

It's tough though.

On the other hand, for most of my life I've been afraid of confrontation. I will back down and say nothing and let people win. And lately, that just hasn't been the case.

I need to find a balance between the two.

A Rune Reading

2009-10-26T07:53:00.000-05:00

A friend pulled a Rune for me, this is what I got:

The rune I pulled for you is - Gebo.
Gebo represents the coming of gifts and favors. While each are usually positive events, they often carry obligations with them. Gebo often represents strong bonds such as deep friendships and marriage. A gift will be given, or possibly a marriage proposal or an opportunity to put forward such a proposal is on its way. A generous, bountiful person who wishes to enrich one's life, romantically or materially. A divine gift, the gift of life or of balance. It is important that all parties remain equitable when the gift is given, or that balance which is so important to relationships may be endangered. On another level, the rune of Gebo may represent sexual union.

very cool...

Beauty everywhere

2009-10-20T07:20:00.001-05:00

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm reading Autobiography of a Yogi and it is having a profound effect on me. When i read it, I get all floaty and then ideas just start popping in my head and they're big ideas that just blow me away.

It's all about connection and separation. I don't know much about it, but there is a conception of life as a tree -- the Tree of Life. And that's working for me right now. We are leaves on the Tree of Life, individual yet connected to the whole, to each other, to all life on the planet, to creation, to the vibration of the Infinite.

I close my eyes and I meditate and this core of loving compassion swells within me. I go for a walk and marvel at the trees and the squirrel and the dogs and the mailman who walks past.

I am beaming with joy inside and out.

And yet separate. Individual. Filled with my own humanity, with my own fear and doubt and insecurity.

But that fades away in the realization that I Am Perfect. That we all are. That there are no flaws; that the conception of flaws is a social construct created by men and women. For the love that flows through the Infinite everything is perfect.

I've recently made some changes for my health, as a result, I'm losing weight. Slowly. About a pound a week, but I am losing weight. And I feel better about my body. I FEEL BETTER, just in general because I'm not ingesting synthetic chemicals and animal fats and proteins.

And then I read and am smacked upside the head with the wisdom that that is irrelevant in eyes of God, of love, of attachment to the Universe.

My body -- for which I have had a difficult, painful and shifting relationship -- is a vessel of the Infinite. How we treat ourselves is a reflection of our gratitude and humility at being offered such a gift as to be born human. How we treat ourselves is an echo of our love, of our connection to the source, of our understanding of our innate divinity.

I stood before a mirror yesterday, naked as I was born and marvelled at this body. This body, which currently weighs 266 pounds. This body which men and women would tell me is ugly. This body which has carried me through sexual abuse, torture and the self-inflicted wounds wrought from such pain and fear.

This body is miraculous. My heart has pounded every second of my life. I have breathed for every moment. Inside blood moves, electricity fires, chemicals are released and absorbed. The web of lines on my palm are unlike yours, unlike any one else's.

We are spiritual creatures having a human existence. We are spirit made flesh and ego. Personal experience, individual paths, combine to the whole, making the pattern more rich, more vibrant, more glorious.

In the end, love, made stronger by pain, overcomes all and on it flows, creation, destruction, birth, death, love, fear...

Whole.

It's so beautiful.

This is the in between time

2009-10-18T14:01:00.003-05:00

The time between theory and practice. The time between ego and selflessness. The time between fear and love. The time between knowledge and wisdom.

This is planting season, strange that it comes during Fall, harvest time. Yet, as one cycle ends, another is started. Beginnings out of endings, compassion out of pain, love from fear.

What is greatness without humility? What is passion without serenity? What is love without experience? What is darkness without light?

I, me, my... the path widens into us, we, our. This is the time before that. The time of preparation.

Blessed be.

Open letter on the subject of God:

2009-10-12T09:14:00.002-05:00

Atheists claim to be more open minded because they reject the prevalence of God in society and are open to the possibility that there is no God. They claim to be more logical, that the existence of an all-knowing entity is illogical and unreasonable. They claim to have a greater sense of personal responsibility because they do not rely on a higher power to fix their problems, instead they work toward the resolutions they want.

Yet, every atheist I know (and for some ironic reason most of my friends are indeed atheist) has tremendous good fortune. They are blessed with material wealth, healthy families and friends and strong careers. Certainly, they all worked hard for their benefits, they have earned them and are worthy of them. That is not my argument. My argument is simply that despite their hard work, every one of my atheist friends will admit they are lucky, that good fortune played a role in their personal and professional successes.

I have heard all of you say the same.

Where does that luck come from?

If you believe in luck, then certainly you believe in a force in the universe that is greater than you.

With that in mind, I ask, do you reject the possibility of a god you cannot fathom or merely the Judeo-Christian construction with which you were raised?

I don’t believe in the common presentation of God. I never have. I have fought with this representation of God, struggled with it, tried to define myself within it, yet always I had one more stupid question. In the end, I reject organized religion. Organized religion is a tool of fear to control the masses. And, like you, I believe that using a God like a fountain into which you throw your wishes is likewise folly. God does not grant wishes, even when they come in the venerated form of prayers. God is not an entity – does not have human form (or any other kind) and does not sit on a cloud judging our behavior and choices.

God, to me, is none of the things my atheist friends’ reject. In whole, I agree with the position my friends’ present, yet I still believe in God.

How is that possible?

Because God is love.

All action, and all thoughts behind deeds, is rooted in either fear or love. All good springs from love. All bad springs from fear.

Think of a common example: road rage. You’re driving along and someone cuts you off. You yell, curse, wave your fist in anger, but what is the root of this anger? Fear of being hurt, of being last, of being out of control, of being denied, of losing your position in the race to get where you’re going. The response is anger, but the root is fear.

Fear pushes, persuades, manipulates, compels, grasps for power. Love is power and in that it simply is. There is no reaching for love; there is only attaining it.
God is not an entity. God is a feeling. God is goodness abound in the manifestation of love in myriad forms of positivity. The only true power is love.
The saying is that power corrupts and absolutely power corrupts absolutely. This is false. Power sought through fear, even if it offers material rewards, is false power. It is power based on greed, selfishness and egoism. This is not power; this is weakness fronting an attitude of power. This false power serves competition and crushing others beneath the weight of might.

True power, love, aims for unity, for harmony and connection. You are not powerful when you can divide and conquer but when you can bring others together in hope and community. While I reject organized religion, this core truth is found in every one of them. Love is the foundation of religion, the foundation of Christ’s message, of Mohammad’s message; it is the true word of God.

Upon being born, spirit into flesh and ego, babies cry and despair to find themselves separated from the Infinite. To combat this isolation, we are born helpless and needy and our parents become Gods to us – meeting our needs with their strength. They are all powerful, omnipresent, omniscient, and we both fear them and love them. Indeed no two people will influence us as much as our mother and father. Born to them, their Godlike presence in our lives forever determines our first understanding of God. If our parents are gentle, loving, affectionate people equal to the task of parenting, then that is what we first believe about God. Conversely, if they are overwhelmed and unprepared for parenting, cold, unfeeling, angry or resentful of the task, then we likewise adopt this template for the Infinite. Both of these are illusions and when first entering this world the veil descends and we are lost to our own ill-conceived perceptions of reality.

For most of us, it takes decades – if ever – for the veil to be lifted, for cracks to appear, for us to begin to comprehend the failure of viewing God as pieces, as self-serving to our needs, as ego-driven comfort born of fantasy. The ego must be removed from the Infinite before we can begin to pull back the veil and understand our connection to the whole, and see ourselves and all other life, not as individuals, not as separate objects, but as fingers on a hand vibrating with the sound of the universal, perfect in origin and construction, divinity, love, through and through. Just as your children and their children and their children are forever a part of you, so too you are forever a part of God.

Christian belief will have you convinced that Jesus was God made flesh. And this is true, but only a sliver of the truth. The fact is we are all God made flesh. We are all divine, we all hold within us the power to love, the expression of goodness and the choice to invoke love or fear.

Love and fear are the same – two sides of the coin, but both still the coin. And until you’ve experienced fear – in whatever manifestation of hate, shame, rage, anguish, etc -- you can never know true love. The hero must engage the darkness before coming into the light for to understand or feel the depth and breadth that love offers, we must root out all the pain and suffering and delusion that fear creates.

Fear and love are both constructive and destructive – love creates good and destroys bad; fear does the opposite. We fear death when we believe it is an ending. We fear things that will kill us when we believe that we stop existing afterwards. My atheist friends all insist that this is what happens. We cease to exist. And nothing, they say, can prove this “fact” wrong.

The construction of the argument is inaccurate. The “facts” assume all we are is ego. This is false; we are ego and flesh, subsumed over a spiritual core of love. True love, God, is energy and like all energy it can neither be destroyed nor created – this we have proven time and again. Yes, the ego dies. Yes, the flesh returns to the Earth. But, the universal pulse of love that beats within you will continue when your ego and flesh exist no more.

It is not living without God that atheists’ fear, but rather the revelation that their ego is not superior. The self, for them, is all-encompassing. To be me, independent, relying on no one and nothing, asking not for help – these are the virtues in an atheist’s life. True virtue, in philosophy, in religion, is composed of acts of love – honor, integrity, bravery – these are synonyms of love. True virtue is love. That which praises the self and reliance upon the self above love is illusion and deceit and offers a life disconnected from God, from true love.
False love is rampant: the love of an idol, the love of desperation, the love of comfort and control. These are not true manifestations of love. They are so-called loves sprung from fear and catering to it.

Do you love? Do you love wholly, without fear, without shame, without control or judgment? Are you capable of separating yourself from your love, allowing it to flow without interruption or correction? Do you believe in love?

If yes, even if loving this way is only an aspiration, then you believe in God.

Unavailable

2009-10-09T14:23:00.001-05:00

Saturday, Oct. 10, 2009 I will be unreachable and unavailable. Please, schedule your emergencies for Sunday or later as I will be turning off my phone, not turning on anything electronic and spending the day in meditation, reading and writing.

That is all.

Living your values

2009-10-06T08:23:00.002-05:00

I am a strong believer in living your values. Not the WWJD kind of superficial nod to the Ten Commandments, but an honest approach to behaving in a way that doesn't corrupt or violate the core of what I believe.

I believe in honest ethical and moral behavior that takes into account the responses and reactions of others and directs appropriate behavior in any situation -- regardless of whether the person I'm dealing with treats me with the same concern and compassion.

It's not always easy to do. I have a quick temper, and when I'm angry, I have low impulse control. I'm likely to fire off a ranting email that liberally uses capital letters or to attack someone with a severe tongue lashing without even stopping to think before the words are in on the page or in the air.

It's difficult to control that urge to insist how right I am. That ego-driven insatiable urge that makes me take everything personally.

When that happens, I behave contrary to my values. I don't like, struggle to change it, but usually my first reaction when something pisses me off is to feed that ego. Feed the rage, obsess and play the victim.

Luckily, it doesn't happen often. But in those rare moments when I am thoroughly agitated, it's hard to remember that my values contradict the ego-centered approach to life and interaction.

The times that I fly off the handle always embarrass me, but remind me that growth is an evolution, a process of spiraling upwards, moving through unhealthy forms of interaction and reaction and gaining insight into how to create loving kindness through its practice.

For so many people, myself included, a major portion of their lives have been about power -- losing power through abuse or neglect, gaining it through selfishly taking advantage of others.

But as virtually every spiritual practice will tell you, the real power of life is the power to love, to forgive, to move forward with respect for all manner of life.

It is this lesson that I live today.

The vegan thing

2009-09-15T17:03:00.003-05:00

I've been corrected on this. Vegan is when you eschew all animal products in every area of your life (no animal materials in your clothing, no cosmetics, personal hygiene products or cleaners tested on animals. None.). I'm working toward that, but right now, having just eliminated all animal products from my diet, I am a strict vegetarian. However, most meat eaters confuse the two, so when I'm talking to meat eaters, it's easier to say I'm vegan.

And it's going pretty well. Because I did this all at once/cold turkey thing, it's been a rough transition. I've had insomnia, migraines, stomach upset, body aches, pimples... Last night I felt so much like I had the flu that I actually took my temperature (it was normal).

Today, I actually feel good. I think I'm through the worst of it.

And I tried out a recipe for vegan sloppy joes and it was AWESOME. It was slap your mama good. And I have enough for sammies for lunch for the next two days :)

I think it's also cheaper to eat this way. I've filled my cupboards and my fridge with vegan foods and I spent less than I would have if I'd been buying animal products. Beans are way cheaper than meat. Soymilk is about the same a cow milk. And even soy and tofu meatless options (like tofu hot dogs and soy meatballs) are inexpensively priced. Oatmeal and raisins are cheaper than any boxed cereal and fresh veggies and fruits are always cheaper than their processed boxed, canned and bagged cousins.

And I have to tell you, SILK coffee creamer is better than ANY coffee creamer I've ever had. WHOA.

So it's going really well.

Oh and the great news -- I'm now officially down 18 pounds. Nine of those in the last three weeks. :) I'm three pounds away from my goal for my next drs. appt, which isn't until the second week of October!

Books change my life

2009-09-12T01:55:00.003-05:00

Books are special to me. Not only my favorite fiction (mystery, please) but more importantly, nonfiction books. Every now and then I click with a book so immediately that it changes my behavior forever. I can tell when I start reading it whether the book I'm holding will be one of those.

The first was Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking. I was a smoker when I started reading it and two and half hours later, I was a nonsmoker. I quit cold turkey at 7:41 pm on October 15, 2004 and never had one craving. (Please note my five yr anniversary is next month WOOWAH!!)

There was a long pause between that first life altering book and the next. The second didn't come until early this summer when I read Stanton Peele's 7 Tools to Beat Addiction. His mindset and methods toward addiction created a paradigm shift in me and how I thought about food. It set me on a path that has enabled me to lose nearly ten pounds without trying and to live almost binge free effortlessly (unthinkable before).

And today, the third. Dr. Neal Barnard's Program for Reversing Diabetes.

My friend, H, and I have been encouraging each other through our lifestyle changes. It is not a diet or an eating plan. It is a fundamental shift in the ways we think about, choose, prepare and consume food. We are radically altering our lives starting at the core of our most basic need.

She started a little earlier than I did, but only by a month or so. As we've progressed through this challenging transition, subtle changes have been occurring to me. Water tastes good. I no longer feel any desire for fast food. These are small, but profound changes that are positively benefiting me.

I have a major health factor influencing my desire to change: I have diabetes. It's mild right now, but the fact is that traditional methods for treating diabetes (reducing carbs and focusing on lean meats and low fat dairy products) only results in ever worsening diabetes. The disease progresses despite these dietary changes, despite exercise, despite weight loss, despite medication.

Dr. Barnard and his colleagues have been studying the traditional medical approach to diabetes for nearly forty years and what they've discovered is that the reason for the epidemic sized increase in the diagnosis of diabetes may be because we injest too many animals proteins and too much fat (much of it coming from animal sources).

The solution? Eliminate animal products, injest as little fat as possible and focus on veggies, fruit, starches and legumes as sources of nutrition. It's very simple. Eat those four, and only those four, food groups.

But within those rules, oh, ample versatility. When I started reading it, I couldn't image food without cheese and milk and burgers and peanut butter. Now, knowing what these foods do to your body, I don't even want them. I'm very excited and I can't sleep. I read the whole book today.

Dr. Barnard and his colleagues have seen not only reduction in diabetes symptoms, but reversal of the disease all together. I don't want to be diabetic. I don't want to end up insulin dependent, dialysis dependent, with bad feet and bad eyes and at risk for stroke and heart attack.

And if that means I don't ever eat peanut butter again, well, so long nutty friend.

No news is good news

2009-09-11T10:44:00.002-05:00

Well, I haven't posted in a while because I couldn't sit at my computer for longer than a few minutes. I hurt my back exercising (Leslie Sansone has these exercises where you do knee lifts and front kicks and I think I was leaning back to far when I did them because the small of my back was killing me. I think I pulled a muscle or two...) So a week of bedrest and alternating heat and cold and I'm all better again. My back still twinges every now and then, but I'm being careful with it so I should be fine.

Other than that not much has been going on. I've been knitting (finished one project started a second one) and reading and basically trying to entertain myself while lying on an ice pack.

So, no new adventures of late, but hopefully I'll have some to report next week.

This is Cleveland

2009-09-02T12:20:00.005-05:00

Took care of some business this morning and then went exploring.

I found:

The Cleveland Museum of Natural History (where they have the bushes outside shaped into little dinosaurs)
Rockefeller Park (not to be confused with Rockefeller gardens)
One of the sites of the Cleveland Clinic
The Western Reserve Historical Society (where I hope to volunteer)

and The Cleveland Cultural Gardens. The cultural gardens celebrate the various ethnicities that have lived and do live in Cleveland (since the early 1900s). There are gardens for Latvian, Estonia, Hungarian, German, Greek, Hebrew, India... on and on. I didn't go to all of them, that will take several more trips, but here are some photos:

(this is a statue in the German garden of Johann Sebastian Bach)

It's hard to believe that all this beauty is in Cleveland. I mean nobody realizes what a cultural and cultivated city this is. As I drove past the pretty parks and gardens and under the arch of stone bridges, I knew some out there would be surprised that this is Cleveland.

But it is.

The walk

2009-08-28T14:44:00.006-05:00

Despite the crappy weather today (it rained this morning and is threatening to downpour any second now) I did manage to get out for a walk.

Come with me to Cleveland Metroparks:

The woods

The woods again

There are a couple of big roads that drive right over the Metroparks. This is the part of the bridge of one of them. I know, yeah, woo hoo, a bridge, but I thought it was really cool and beautiful, nestled as it was there among the trees and the river. I tried to get a better shot of it, but it didn't come out. I also like that it looks distressed, shows its age a bit. It's a very majestic bridge, rising probably 50-70 feet up and it just towers over the path, the old dame.

Okay, it doesn't look like it, but this deer was 5-6 ft from me. It walked across the street and just stood there just inside the woods chewing on some leaves, oblivious to the bike riders and the cars going by. She did pay attention to me when I took her picture (I hope that's a "her") but only as a precaution. She wasn't freaked out by me or afraid of me. Just beautiful.

Friends with dogs: I now know where the dog park is, so bring 'em on. I snapped this shot of this little pooch as he came over to say hello to me. There were probably 10 dogs in the park when I was there but they were far away from me and I couldn't get a good shot, which is a shame cos they were really cute.

Last shot, from the scenic lookout. It's GORGEOUS up there. Can you imagine how pretty this is going to be once the leaves change????

And that's it. Thanks for coming with me on my walk today.

Water

2009-08-28T06:43:00.002-05:00

For years and decades, I hated water. I could only drink it super ice cold and usually only when I was dying of thirst. It tasted metallic to me. It was nasty. Give me lemonade or diet coke or, hell, even flavored water. But regular water -- from the tap or the bottle -- was gross.

And then, it shifted.

About three, four weeks ago, I suddenly started to enjoy water. After about a year of forcing myself to drink at least some water on most days, I suddenly love it. I have a Pur water pitcher so I always have cold, filtered water on hand. I bought the Pur pitcher because you can add the flavor to it, which is how I got myself through the last year. I made a deal with myself that I would drink water, but only if it were flavored.

And now, I'm loving my water. I drink it all day long. I drink about 10-15 cups a day. Plain. No flavor. Still cold, but suddenly it doesn't taste metallic anymore.

And I wonder how this subtle shift happened. Was I asleep and all the sudden my taste buds shifted? When and how did I go from hating water to loving it?

And that's how transformation goes, I guess. One day, all of sudden, there it is. Even if it's something you've been working at for months, when you actually notice it happening, it's a surprise.

This is an important lesson for me as I lose weight. It's a reminder that change happens gradually, even if feels like it's all at once. I have a goal to lose 25 pounds by Thanksgiving. That's about 2 pounds a week, which is what the "experts" advise is a healthy amount of weight to lose a week. Before I've been all about the rules and making charts and plotting my success daily. Now, I'm just putting the actual effort into it. Daily. Gradually.

There are no rules this time. I want to work out everyday. I want to drink my water. I want to eat healthier.

I'm no longer forcing myself to do this and not do that, it's just happening.

And it's fun. I'm enjoying moving, even during those times when i'm working out and feel all uncoordinated and clumsy. It's still fun.

So, here's me.

Finding health after all these years of self-abuse.

Details at Home

2009-08-27T16:35:00.002-05:00

I came home from my vacation to MI on Monday. Since then, I've spent a day and half waiting for UPS (which finally arrived) and taken care of a number of things from my student loans to my prescription benefit plan. I was on the phone most of yesterday afternoon dealing with all the details of stuff that accumulate when you go out of town.

Tomorrow, I have a drs. appt and then I can go get my driver's license. I have to get my car inspected to get Ohio plates, but it should pass with no problem. There's only one thing wrong with it -- a valve is leaking oil, but it's not major and it has no effect on the emissions. I just don't have the $150 to get it fixed right now, so I'm putting that off until I get some financial things taken care of.

I still haven't made it to the gardens or the cemetery, both of which are still on my list. And I need to explore the metroparks a little more. So when I get a chance, I have lots of stuff I can do. I could've gone today, but I decided being lazy was more fun :P

I am working out everyday. I have a goal in mind for when I go back to MI at T-giving, and I'm working really hard to get there.

And that's what's going on here.

the weekend

2009-08-22T10:09:00.002-05:00

Had TONS of fun with the family last night. We went on the Port City Princess. It cruises around Lake Michigan for about two hours. They served dinner (burgers and chips and ice cream for dessert) and then they the dj started up. All 10 of the adults were there and we had a BLAST dancing and singing and being wild. It was a lot of fun.

Now, I'm with my third family -- my friends D and A and their kids. They have a 4 month old baby and two girls -- 15 and 13. The 13 yo lives part time with her dad and part time with her mom, so I don't know if I'll see her this weekend, but I will see the 15 yo will be here in a couple hours and we're gonna watch movies and have dinner and I'm sure the 15 yo and I will be up talking til 2 am!

:)

Visiting with the second fam

2009-08-20T21:29:00.002-05:00

I left my mom's yesterday and come over about 1.5 to hang with my dad and his family. We went to an amusement park/water park yesterday and played in the water park. We rode this log ride that just got us SOAKED and then stood on the bridge that crosses over where the log crashes into the water and the splash was so powerful!! It was a blast. Then we spent some time in the wave pool. My stepsister A saved a kid from drowning (he was about 8 and got out too far and everytime he tried to jump up and get some air, another waved forced him down. He was all alone, there weren't any adults near him that seemed to be with him so thank god A was there, cos he was in trouble). We played in the little wave pool with the little kids (who are 5, 3.5, 2 and 20 months). I played marco polo with the 5 yr old and her big sister (who's 10).

Today, we took my 20 month old neice to Chuck E. Cheese's. That place is always insane, but the pizza wasn't nearly as awful as I thought it was going to be. And I got to play Skeeball ;-D

Tonight, we had a bonfire and made s'mores and played with all the kids.

All in all, the visit is going great. AND my mom called and her chemo went well today!! YAY!!!

Michigan

2009-08-17T16:47:00.002-05:00

came home this week to visit with my families. Drove here in the sweltering heat in a car with no air conditioning. I was pretty sweaty when I got here. it cooled down today, threatened rain all day (we got a few sprinkles). I'm with my mom -- who's still going through chemo -- until Weds, and then I see my dad and stepmom and then this weekend I spend a couple days with my friends.

Money is still an issue, but it's not the end of the world and I'm refusing to think about it.

I'm supposed to spend most of the rest of this week in water, which is perfectly wonderrful. Little kids and swimming. I can live with that.

I hate money

2009-08-11T22:58:00.002-05:00

Okay so here's what happened.

The state of NY gave me medicaid and when it did, it also paid my medicare premiums (about $100/ month). When I left the state of NY, they stopped said payment. I have applied for medicaid in OH, but until they grant my application and start paying my premiums, I am getting about $100 less in disability every month.

And this is stressing me to the end of the universe. I didn't expect my disability to go down. I didn't expect car insurance to be more expensive here and I didn't expect renter's insurance to double. I didn't -- and as far as the insurance goes couldn't -- plan for any of that and collectively they've put my budget into a tailspin. I have enough money for this month and for Sept, but come October, I'm in the hole again and that hole gets bigger every month thereafter.

Mind you, come October I will be getting my security deposit back from NY and that'll take me out of that hole, but I'm still freaking about the hole nonetheless. And then, really, it only takes me out of the hole until January and then I'm back in the hole.

I don't have enough money for food. Good news. I have food. I have pancakes and tuna and canned chicken and noodles and spaghetti sauce and rice and canned veggies. I'm okay on food. I can lower my standards and buy cheap bread and non-organic milk.

I've played with my budget and the good news is that if I get Ohio to pay my medicare premiums (and my disability goes back to $835/month) by November, there is no hole. That makes me breathe a little easier. I have to believe I will get Medicaid (and thus medicare premiums paid) because I have no income beyond disability. So now on top of worrying about the hole, I'm worried the state of Ohio won't come through and I'll be totally screwed. Odds are that won't happen -- I got medicaid in both MI and NY -- but you never know.

So I'm gonna go take an anti-anxiety med and breathe now cos worrying isn't going to help or change any of this.

And breathing.....

Busy day

2009-08-11T13:53:00.003-05:00

I finally fell asleep between 2-3 am last night and I woke up bounding with energy at 7. Weird, but I'm enjoying it. I think reading that blog from Christine (as well as a couple others of hers) helped me get out of my "I have nothing to do" funk.

I had brekkie, exercised, took a shower and went to take my written driving test. Getting a driver's license and plates and a title in Ohio is a job of work. You gotta go through a bunch of hoops. Hoop 1, pass the test. So, I did. You have to get 30 out of 40 question right (and most of my questions were, What does this sign mean -- I mean really easy) and I only missed one (apparently you're supposed to signal 1000 ft before a turn, not 500). I passed.

But I can't get my license yet because I take medication and I have to have a dr. fill out this form that says the medication doesn't impair my driving. Eh, I have a drs. appointment on the 28th anyway, so we'll just do it then.

But in the meantime, I can still use my NY license.

And then I went to Barnes and Noble and spent less than $10 (which is a mean feat let me tell you). Then, I went to Edgewater park and sat on the big rocks and watched the water smack against them for a while. I was just behind the tree in the picture at the top.

I was gonna collect little rocks, but it was hot out there and I had to pee, so I just headed for home to cuddle kitties and read my magazines.

Tomorrow I'm going to buy batteries for my camera and head over to Lake View Cemetary which is a historic cemetary and also the final resting place of President James A. Garfield and John D. Rockefeller. Or I may go to the Rockefeller Park Greenhouse (second pic up above), which houses indoor and outdoor gardens -- and admission is FREE! Whichever place I go, I'm gonna take a baloney sammie and some bottled water with me so I can have lunch there.

This is genius

2009-08-10T22:22:00.002-05:00

Read this blog

I have serious Day-4 syndrome!!

I've been fighting not working out for a week. A WEEK. Mostly, it's because I don't feel motivated. I feel tired and bored and the effort I'd have to put forth to work out just seems exhausting.

And that's what she's talking about. Letting the ego win and losing sight of your vision because it's easier than sticking to your deeper intention for your life.

So...

"Motivation is created by showing up. Not the other way around."

Check.

Nothing much

2009-08-10T20:23:00.002-05:00

Okay, so admittedly, I've been a little quiet. Things are rather dull around here what with the job searching and napping. Last week I barely left the house at all.

Tomorrow I have to go get my driver's license and start the process to get my car approved in Ohio (I have to get the title and the plates and in there somewhere I have to have two inspections!) I did go get car insurance today though. I think I might go get my library card tomorrow, too.

I'm still doing the 100-push up challenge. I can do 20 girly push ups (up from 11) and 6 regular push ups (up from 3), so I'm progressing.

Next week, I'm headed to see the all my families. My stepsister and her family are coming from Colorado and I finally get to meet my 18 month old niece!

And that's about all that's happening here.

What is going on in my head?

2009-08-03T10:44:00.002-05:00

I've been having really weird dreams lately. last night I dreamed that a higher power (not sure if it was god or the devil or if they were one and the same) wanted me with him, but if he killed me, the whole world would end. So, I was avoiding him. And then he found me and I knew I was gonna die and everybody was gonna die and it was because of me. And he tried to do it, but then he loved me so much he couldn't destroy me and killed himself instead and the world was saved, and everybody was running around all crazy and there was chaos everywhere and I couldn't find my cats.

But that's not as weird as the night before when I dreamed the Muppets were helping Queen Elizabeth cut an album.

Update

2009-07-30T06:43:00.001-05:00

No go on the job.

:(

We made it

2009-07-25T06:08:00.002-05:00

Hello friends. Here I am in my fabulous apartment in Cleveland. I've almost managed to get unpacked (there are a couple things I don't know what to do with). The kitties have nearly adjusted, although Charley does still spend some time everyday underneath the cabinet under the sink. There's a little crawl space down there just big enough for him -- he literally has to crawl on his side to get in and out of there. Weed could NEVER get under there, he's too big, which is another reason I think Charley likes it. He's the only one in the house that fits. (Weed hides behind the bathtub).

I am now 37 years old. Spent my birthday wandering around my new city -- going to the park, going to a street fair. Had a good time.

I haven't heard anything about the job yet. I did call yesterday but the woman I need to speak to was out of town. I'll give her a call again on Monday. I'm still job searching though.

I have cable internet for the first time ever and can I say how awesome it is.

I'm doing this -- should be interesting. I have to do them modified cos I'm weak, but I figure once I can do 100 modified, I'll do the program again with the normal stance.

I am not giving up on running, but I do need to lose some weight first. Maybe just 20 pounds or so. I am still exercising though, keeping my fitness level up so that I can start running again. It's on hold for now though because all I'm doing at this weight is hurting myself and I don't have the money to have a session with a trainer to figure out how to NOT hurt myself. So...

Pause on the running. But just a pause.

And that's all for now.

Growing Up

2009-07-08T11:05:00.002-05:00

This is a long one. Sorry. Lots to say.

I have finished reading "7 Tools to Beat Addiction" and have been doing taking good care of myself and meeting my goals (daily and weekly) for ten days. I am running. I am eating healthy. I am organizing my move and taking care of my responsibilities.

There are a lot of changes occurring both inside and out. According to the book, overcoming an addiction requires living with your values, using your resources, utilizing what motivates you, setting up simple rewards for yourself, gathering and utilizing your support, maturing and setting higher goals (including involving yourself in your community and creating a larger network of nonaddicts with whom to involve yourself).

I'm focusing on maturity right now. Realizing I have a responsibility to myself is an epiphany that has created an internal paradigm shift. It is affecting all areas of my life. Whether or not I clean the litter. What I eat. How I choose to interact with my friends and family. What time I go to bed. Whether I go running. Whether or not I brush my teeth before bed. How I think about my future. What short-term and long-term goals I set. How I spend my free time.

One of the things Peele talks about in the book is responsibility. In most traditional addiction recovery (regardless of the addiction) there exists the belief -- both explicitly and implicitly expressed -- that the substance or experience is so powerful that you cannot resist it. We tell kids that if they do drugs once they'll become hopelessly addiction. We publish articles explaining how addiction is genetic and therefore we have no choice; we are predestined to become addicts. We excuse our behavior; we lay the blame for our problems on the substance, on our chemical makeup, on society at large, on anyone but ourselves. Twelve step programs insist that addicts "surrender their lives and will" to a "higher power" -- insisting that the addict herself or himself is incapable of recovering on her or his own.

For example: Food.

After finishing reading my addiction book last night, I picked up another book about overeating that I had purchased a while ago. The first section of the book talks about the chemical changes that happen in the brain when you eat sugar, fat and salt. Dopamine is released in greater amounts for a sustained period of time if you regularly eat foods high in sugar, fat and salt.

I do not doubt the science of that argument. However, the author goes on to say that people cannot resist their food cravings because of these chemical changes.

Translation: It's not your fault you overeat, you are the victim of chemistry.

And to that a profound, BOLLOCKS!

What Peele advocates is that we always have a choice. We are responsible for our actions. Sugar, fat and salt may work on the brain in powerful ways, but Twinkies don't jump into your mouth. You actually have to buy a Twinkie, unwrap it, put it in your mouth, chew it and swallow it before those chemical changes take place. At any point in that process, you have the option of saying, "You know, I don't really want this Twinkie."

The same is true of any addiction. Everybody eats, but not everyone is addicted to food. Therefore, there is something different about those of us who do indulge in addiction. The traditional wisdom will tell you have a biological and genetic predetermined tendency to become addicted, but that is just an excuse that removes your actions from the equation.

Why was I addicted to food?

Because I was irresponsible and immature. I did not take responsibility for my health and fitness. I was selfish, self-involved, childishly seeking a way to avoid all forms of stress forever. I took everything personally because I thought everything was about me. Addiction was a symptom of my stunted maturation process.

And so becoming a nonaddict means taking responsibility for my life, my choices, my actions in a way I have never perceived before.

As part of this, I have had to recognize some negatives about myself -- not to beat myself up, but to recognize them, analyze and evaluate them, so that I may change them.

First, I am, judgmental. Second, there is a part of me that likes drama. Thirdly, I can be very self-righteous and arrogant.

Put all three of these flaws together and what you have is my relationship with my sister.

My sister and I disagree about almost everything. We're very different people. She doesn't agree with much I do and vice versa. Our main point of contention: how she raises my nieces.

Now, by rights you'd be saying, "Hey those aren't your kids, you have no right to tell her how to raise them."

And you would not be wrong, but I have always interfered because I self-righteously believed it was in the best interest of those girls for me to do so.

My sister responds to my interference in some pretty predictable ways, at which point I then blame her for being a drama queen.

Immaturity insists that I must become involved because I'm right and when you're right you get to do whatever you want. And the more I insist I'm right, the more my sister pulls away and does the exact opposite (just to prove I'm wrong). Then there are the arguments -- intense, heated, passionate fights with lots of screaming and crying and the saying of awful, hateful things to each other. Then we don't talk for a year.

But now that I am reviewing my behavior within the context of this paradigm shift, I have to admit that as much as I protest against it, part of me likes the drama. It's familiar. It's what I grew up with. It's comfortable. I know the pattern of it. Plus, it's passionate and I feel righteous and vindicated and powerful when I'm steadfastly holding onto my beliefs and my opinions and my judgments. It's easy -- I don't have to entertain the notion that she's doing what's best for herself. I don't have to entertain the notion that she's fully capable of making her own decisions. I don't have to entertain the notion that she has the right to be wrong, to make her own mistakes, to find her own way through parenting. I don't have to be tolerant. I don't have to be mature. I don't have to pay attention to my faults -- I can focus on hers instead.

In the midst of these disagreements, I argue for my nieces, but it isn't about them. It's about making me feel better than my sister. It's about me.

Addiction is a study in contradiction. It means trying to control everything while being totally out of control. It means you are totally self-involved while simultaneously ignoring the effect your behavior has on others. Because you're the "victim" of your addiction, nothing is your fault and conversely, nothing you do, say, think or believe is your responsibility.

Maturity means understanding your impact. It means being involved with your beliefs, thoughts, words and actions to the degree that you slow down enough to interact with yourself, your environment, your friends and family in a way that is in line with your values.

What I eat, how I interact with my family, whether or not I go running tomorrow -- these are choices I make that are not based on genetic predetermination or biological imperatives. Twelve step programs insist that you admit you are powerless over your addiction when reality is the exact opposite. I have complete power over every aspect of myself.

And it's my responsibility to ensure that I engage positively with that power.

My new friend K

2009-07-05T07:32:00.003-05:00

You may have noticed reference to my friend K. Just thought I'd give you the lowdown in case you were wondering.

She and I met in school -- she's in my program and we had a few classes together. She's very funny and has about a million jokes, comes up with the most hilarious stuff off the top of her head.

Yesterday we went to a Fourth of July carnival/fair type celebration. We wandered around, looking at hand-crafted jewelry and the usual flea market type stuff (funky sunglasses and baseball caps). We played a ring toss game and I won a bottle of water. Then we went and sat on a swinging bench and watched the kids play on a playground. K has this wonderful child-like joy in her. It's so fun. When we went walking through the nature preserve, we took great fun in stomping in the squishy mud. Yesterday, while sitting on the bench, we found shapes in the clouds. I haven't done stuff like that for years. It's very refreshing.

K is also very crafty and she notices things I never pay attention to. She's always stopping to pick something up (totally believes in "found" items and usually carries several miscellaneous things around in her pockets (yesterday is was bits of melted beer bottles she found on the beach a while back)).

While we were sitting on the bench yesterday, we talking about the fair food. We could smell something and couldn't quite figure out what it was and then we realized it was the funnel cakes. And K says that funnel cakes always frightened her a bit. And I said, it's just fried dough. And she said, yeah, I know it's just free-formed doughnut (pause) It's post-modern doughnut!

I'm still laughing over that one.

So it figures that just when I'm ready to leave, I finally make a friend!

Running and stuff

2009-07-04T09:03:00.002-05:00

* I finished my first week running yesterday and finally, FINALLY, found my pace. I could run the whole two minutes without wanting to pass out. I'm really slow, but right now breathing is more important than speed. My lungs are still in recovery mode smoking (even though I quit 4.5 years ago), so this is taking some time. The run yesterday was pretty comfortable and even fun, and it didn't take me but a minute and a half to catch my breath after each segment (I run for 2 minutes, walk for 4 and repeat four times). The running schedule I'm following says I need to increase next week to running 3 minutes, walking 3 minutes, but I don't think I'm ready for that. So I'm staying at 2/4 again next week.

* K and I went to the First Friday art walk last night. It was cool. One of the galleries had these really awesome metal sculptures. It was really neat. This afternoon we're going to a craft show, which I'm totally excited about. LOVE craft shows.

*I have people to help me load my pods here and unload them on the other end! I had to use Craigslist to find people on the other end and after wading through about 5 responses from jerks who didn't think I am offering enough $$, I got about 5 people who offered to help. SO I'm good.

* I can't believe I move in 11 days!!

Things in my head

2009-07-02T09:21:00.002-05:00

* I went running this morning. In the rain. Total downpour the entire time I was out there, which was actually quite fun and made me feel like a kid playing in the rain. In my running book, the author talks about running in inclement weather, for rain she says you just need a ballcap to keep it out of your face and she was right!

*I move in 13 days. I have the pods coming and last night, some guys called about the signs I put up, so I have people to load the pods for me!

*I spent yesterday afternoon with K. We went tromping through the nature preserve and then to this tea shop and then we wandered around Staples for about two hours. Oh, how I love office supplies. We had a good time. When we were in staples, she said, "Why didn't we start hanging out a year ago?" and I told her it was because we were too busy with school (which is the truth) but it's also kind of a shame that we're just now getting to know each other cos I'm leaving. But as she said, "Cleveland isn't that far!"

*Funny joke K told me:

What do you call a blind deer?

Answer: no eyed deer

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Answer: still no eyed deer

HAHAHAHA She's got a million stupid jokes like that. I love 'em.

*I continue to eat well. Last Thursday I made three goals for this week and I have almost reached all of them. After I go running tomorrow, I get my weekly reward. According to all the reading I'm doing, rewards are important. I put a $10 limit on weekly rewards (and usually, they won't even cost that much). So, tomorrow I get to go to Target and buy my new lunch tote. I need one so I can take my food to work with me when I get a job, but also this one is really cute and I want it.

*I had a hard day on the track this morning. My body was just slow and sluggish and I kept losing my breath. It happens when you work out, one day for no reason, the workout is just hard, regardless of how much sleep you got or how much energy you had the day before. I think tromping a mile and half through the woods yesterday was part of it -- because yesterday was supposed to be a day off and my body was just telling me the whole workout that it's just not ready to exercise everyday.

*in light of that, and the fact that I'm scheduled to run again tomorrow, I'm doing nothing today. I'm just gonna lie around and read and let my body rest.

Blooming

2009-06-28T19:05:00.002-05:00

I haven't forgotten that my word this year was/is "bloom." I did my intention/vision boards this January and they are all starting to come to fruition.

I signed the lease for my apartment in Cleveland on Friday. When I was looking at the vision board I made of my apartment, there are definite features in the pictures I chose that showed up in the apartment. The only thing I wanted that I didn't get in this apartment was a washer/dryer, but there is a laundry room in the building and that's a big improvement over the laundromat. I'm moving mid-July and I can't wait!! (I still have lots of packing to do, though...)

The job is still in wait mode. I sent a follow up letter on Saturday and am hoping to hear from them this week. That company matches my vision board almost to the T. It's unbelievable how perfect it is. I continue to keep my fingers crossed.

The other vision board I did was on fitness. I have always wanted to run, have been flirting with it all spring. When I was in Michigan, my good friend HC got me this book called, "Running for Women," and in it she teaches beginning women runners how to run, how to stay safe, how to breathe and what to wear. It's great. I read it last night and I was so excited about running I could barely sleep. I woke up at 9 this morning, had a protein drink and a yogurt and headed to the track. The book contains a running program that's designed to get you running 3 miles in 10 weeks. You run for a certain number of minutes (followed by minutes of rest) four times a week. Every week the minutes you run increase and the minutes you rest decrease until you're running for thirty minutes straight.

As part of my fitness plan, I am reading a book I got at the library called, "7 tools to beat addiction," to deal with my food addiction. It's a really good book and it's helping a lot and my eating has been AWESOME for two days now.

So I think all that qualifies as blooming.

Update on Cleveland

2009-06-21T02:51:00.002-05:00

The job interview on Friday went VERY WELL. We talked for an hour and then she decided to have me to talk to the other woman in the office. Then she gave me a handbook -- I thought at first it was just PR info on the company, but no, it's the handbook. It has benefits info and company policies and all that.

I take that as a very good sign as she just did it sort of in the spur of the moment -- I don't think she was giving those to everyone.

Also, she said that within the next two weeks her boss is visiting and she is going to have the top candidates do an interview with her. She said we can handle that by phone if I'm not in Cleveland yet. I don't think she would have told me the next step if I wasn't going to be included in it.

The company is great. It's a home health care company -- most of their employees are nurses who go into people's homes and assist them. They don't have "customers" or "clients" -- they have patients.

Basically, customer service is their modus operandi, but because their customers are mostly elderly and infirm, they are particularly vulnerable. So it's not just customer service. Their mission statement, their vision for the company, their core values are focus on compassion, integrity and reliability. They have a company philosophy, which basically says that the customer comes first. So, if they have a patient who needs help, but they don't have the authorization from Medicare yet -- they go anyway, because the patient needs them.

The bottom line is important to them -- being financially strong enables them to do their work -- but their focus is on patient care. They aren't dictated by greed, but rather moved by values.

I can't believe it. A company with a heart and a soul that operates on the best results for their patients. It's like a miracle that I found them.

My job is basically the office go-to-girl. Because most of the employees are nurses in the field, it's just a small office staff. It would be the director, the client services manager and me. We talked about the fact that I have a Master's degree and that this is basically an entry level position, but honestly, that's what appeals to me about it.

I need a professional entry-level position. I have education, I have skills, I have depth and acumen and aptitude, but I have no industry.

There is no job in any industry that I can walk into and perform without several years of training. I want to be working on an executive level, but I realize I need to amass the industry knowledge necessary to do that. So, I'm a master's looking for a position that will teach me an industry and allow me to grow with the company -- eventually allowing me to work as an executive. I don't mind starting at the bottom -- I WANT to start at the bottom and work my way up.

When I told all this to the Director, she said, "you can do all that here."

All in all, it feels like the perfect match. To be honest, I think I'm the top candidate, but I'm not counting those chickens just yet. I have to do the interview with the Regional Director and then they'll make their final decision.

The application is in at the apartment and I should know tomorrow whether or not they need a co-signer. We can get all of that taken care of, hopefully by Weds and I can then order my truck and start finding people to help me unload it. I did the figuring last night and (with a lot of help from my parents) I can afford to move to Cleveland and pay my bills until January even if I don't have a job (which I don't think will be a problem cos I kinda already think I have a job).

So keep your fingers and toes crossed for me, might even want to braid your hair and I'll keep you updated.

And now, I'm off to pack....

My new Cleveland home

2009-06-18T17:23:00.004-05:00

My apartment is in a building that was originally built in 1920. We know that not only from the architecture, deeds and records yada yada, but from the block-of-ice-sized window in the pantry, where they would have originally kept the ice chest (the window is boarded up and sealed now).

The apartment has all hardwood floors, 12-ft ceilings, a faux fireplace (which is where the real one used to be), new kitchen counter with new dishwasher, 2 bedrooms (or one bedroom and the computer room as I like to call it) and it's 1,400 sq feet...

for $620 per month including heat, sewer, trash and water. I pay electric and the only thing electric are the appliances.

It is AWESOME!

I'm filling out the application tonight and then I think I'm going to take it back to them tomorrow (rather than mailing it which would take a few days). I'm so excited!!!

It's beautiful and old, but not run-down. And it's the least expensive place I've seen. How lovely is that?

Tomorrow, I have an interview at a company about 15 minutes away from the apartment (SEND ME JOB GETTING VIBES!!!!) I would be a client services associate at a company that performs in-home health care. There is the possiblity for advancement, and they have good benefits as well as being willing to meet my salary expectations. I'm hoping it's perfect and I get it because it would be SO AWESOME to move to Cleveland WITH a job!

So it's all about the good news tonight!

The Sound of Silence

2009-06-16T22:05:00.001-05:00

24 hours of silence.

I decided to try this after reading about a woman who spent 5 days silent. It’s a meditative practice, and in my case, a therapeutic one as well.

Although I am usually alone, I am almost never in silence. I don’t have cable, but I have a number of DVDs (seasons of favorite tv shows and movies) that I watch repeatedly. I turn them on when I get up. I watch them while I eat. I set the timer on the tv and fall asleep to them. I do not do silence in my home.

I’ve often wondered why that is. What is it about noise that so attracts me, distracts me. From what?

What would I have to deal with if I engaged silence?

**

The 24 hours of silence has an hour and a half to go. It’s been interesting. Not the not talking part, that part is easy. But dealing with the thoughts and emotions that bubble up in the silence has been difficult.

Eating in silence is unique. Not that I ate better, I didn’t. I binged in fact. But I ate less. Not having the distraction of a tv or a book or any number of other things, I had to pay attention to my body. I ate slower, and I stopped eating when I was full.

Bug I binged because all sorts of negativity flowed to the top when I stopped forcing myself to think. It’s been a miserable 23 hours. Usually, I am only silent when I’m depressed and engaging silence opened me up to depressive feelings. I’ve spent the last 23 hours sleeping and eating and crying.

Then I listened to my bi-lateral music (which is like EMDR in music – it plays notes in the left ear, then the right repeatedly) and I felt better after that, but now I’m just exhausted and I feel weak and can’t stop yawning.

I wonder if these feelings are always just below the surface and by constantly distracting myself, I avoid feeling them and dealing with them. Maybe I should be silent one day every week.

As a spiritual practice, though, I didn’t get much out of it. I don’t know if that’s because I had to deal with the therapeutic and emotional first and that took most of the time (ideally silence as a spiritual practice lasts anywhere from 2 days to two weeks) or if I just didn’t prepare for the spiritual properly (I did do this sort of last minute).

It’s definitely something I want to explore further. I’d like to try being silent for days at a time and see what arises. I would also like to go to a silent retreat.

Fun Day

2009-06-06T04:42:00.002-05:00

Woke up at 6 yesterday, did a bunch of stuff around the house (mostly doing research on what would be the least expensive way to move and putting songs on my Sony Walkman MP3 player).

Had some lunch, went rollerblading. Came home and decided to give this woman from my classes this semester a call. K is moving next weekend and is preparing her new apartment, so I went over and helped her paint the nookie room (the bedroom) a really pretty light blue.

While we were doing that another friend from the department called her and asked if we wanted to go out. So, last night we went to First Friday. Apparently, the first Friday of every month, all the art galleries open and you can just wander through downtown going to, like, 7 galleries, just viewing the work. It was so cool. The paintings I liked the most were on called "Jazz" -- an abstract expressionism with a lot of movement and energy. Lots of bright reds, yellows and oranges. I guessed the title before I saw it because it just FELT like Jazz. It was awesome. I spent 10 minutes staring at it. The other one I really liked was called "Autumn Walk" and it was RED! Really red. Blood red ground, and then a bunch of dark trees with red leaves. It was so passionate and powerful. Very cool. I saw a lot of good artwork and artwork I liked, but those were the two I'd hang in my house. I also got to see a Picasso up close and personal -- a watercolor from his blue period, which was amazing.

K and I were fading around 11:30, so I drove her home and headed here myself. And then I went to bed and fell asleep almost instantly and woke up at 5 am this morning with no alarm. Not sure why I'm up so early, but I am. And, not surprisingly, I had really intense dreams with lots of bright colors.

Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

2009-06-01T20:21:00.002-05:00

The plan was to move to Chicago. I like Chicago, and while I'm now overly familiar with the city (which is a shame cos I grew up four hours away), I've always enjoyed going there. And it is close to the family. And it's on the lake. And, hell, it's CHICAGO!

At the same time, however, I've always been somewhat intimidated about moving there. It's so big. And it's got a high crime rate. And I wouldn't be able to visit, so I'd have to rely on luck to find a good place to rent. And as much as I was wedded to the idea of Chicago, I was also very silently apprehensive about it. I also didn't quite know how I was gonna pull it off financially because I couldn't afford Chicago without a good paying job -- even with living in a suburb in a one bedroom and help from my parents.

But as I was driving through Cleveland on my way home today, I suddenly thought, "Why am I not moving here?" And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. The more ridiculous it seemed to even consider going anywhere else. And it's weird. I drove through Cleveland at about 11:20 am. By 2 I knew I was moving there. And everytime I think, "I'm moving to Cleveland!" I get this ridiculously happy grin on my face. I'm very excited about it and I'm really looking forward to it and I can't wait!

There are 10 reasons to move to Cleveland

1. Lebron James
2. It's on a lake (I'm a michigan girl at heart, I need at least one of those lakes near me)
3. It's way cheaper than Chicago
4. It's safer than Chicago
5. It's close to everybody. I'll be within 5 hours of all my peeps and family.
6. It has three professional sports teams, the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, a symphony orchestra, an arboretum, a science center and museums. All the fun stuff of Chicago with the crime and the wind.
7. My mom, my dad and I can pull together enough cash to cover not only my move but the 3 tanks of gas and a hotel room for one night to go to Cleveland and check out apartments
8. I've always really enjoyed driving through Cleveland. My dad HATES it and advised me to take a different route, but I refused because I love driving through the city. There's a 30 mph curve in the middle of downtown Cleveland. You're on I-90, going 65 (if you're obeying the speed limit) and all the sudden, BOOM, 30 mph curve. It's the strangest thing and I LOVE IT!
9. I've had some pretty cool experiences in Cleveland -- okay mostly involving the lead singer of Duran, the death of the lead singer of INXS and a hug -- but I have a sentimental attachment to Cleveland nonetheless.

Now, I hear you saying, "But, Savannah, that's only nine reasons!"

Well, no, I count Lebron James twice :)

So...

I'm going to Cleveland.

It's inexpensive enough that I can afford to pay rent and live there while I search for a job (of course I'll start my job search there NOW, but just in case that doesn't happen before I move). I have to be out of this apartment on July 31 -- so I think I'm moving somewhere between the 15 and the 30th of July.

YAYAYAY! I will be spending the next 6 weeks packing and getting rid of stuff and finding an apartment and looking for a job and doing a whole bunch of little details.

But I'm going to Cleveland. Somebody warn Lebron (You know, his girlfriend's name is Savannah... maybe he'll get confused...)

*BIG GRIN*

Unwinding the spring

2009-05-31T15:24:00.000-05:00

Things I put off because everything isn't perfect:

1. taking care of myself
2. losing weight
3. having a relationship
4. playing guitar
5. running

I have a real hard perfection jones. If I can't be perfect, I don't want to even start. It holds me back from even enjoying life because it makes me tense and uncomfortable.

I've been working on this for a little while. I've had all or nothing thinking forever (seriously). Everything is black or white -- perfect or useless.

I try to embrace the ancient wisdom of wabi sabi -- the idea that perfection is found in the imperfect. The flaw is what makes it perfect. Unique. Divine.

At the same time, I feel like I've been holding myself back. I went to the beach (my beach) earlier this week and sat there in the cold, listening to the waves and I couldn't find my happy. I couldn't just relax and enjoy it. My jaw was clenched. I felt tight.

I need to unwind and a big part of that is allowing myself to "fail" -- to stop aiming for perfection.

Nowhere is this more evident than in my health. I tested my blood sugar at my mom's and it was high enough to officially qualify as diabetes. I have to go the dr and get some medication to control my blood sugar, but more importantly, I need to control what I'm eating. I don't have to be perfect, but I need to find a way to learn moderation. To learn that my eating doesn't have to be no carbs at all or all the carbs in the universe.

Mostly, I need to learn to be gentle with myself.

I AM ROLLERBLADING!!

2009-05-20T12:29:00.003-05:00

So I bought these rolelrblades at the thrift store for $2. And they're in really good condition. And they fit perfectly.

I've been learning to wear them for three weeks. They make the bottoms of my feet and my ankles hurt so bad I want to cry, but that goes away after the first couple of minutes. I've been practicing -- when I was home I went from the cement stairs in front of my house to the ones in front of my neighbor's house and back and forth for about 20 minutes at a shot.

Yesterday, I was wearing them in my mom's driveway and for the first time, I wasn't just wobbling and catching myself from falling, I was actually blading.

I decided I wanted to go down to the park and try it today. I didn't have any pads, so we went and got some of those and then headed down to the park.

And I rollerbladed. And it hurt like hell LOL. It makes my legs hurt because I'm using muscles I've not used in a while. But I did it. I probably bladed about half a mile all together. My legs are gonna be sore, they already are a little bit, but it was so much fun!!!

2009-05-14T21:42:00.003-05:00

It's appropriate that I spend my last day as a student at the library. I have 7 pages to write and then I'm done.

I've been in higher education off and on since 1990. Over the years, I've had majors ranging from microbiology to journalism to chemistry to accounting to education to history.

Part of the reason it took 19 years was because I encountered just a little bit of "I don't know what to do with my life." I really liked science and wanted to do something in the sciences, but when I got into those classes, I realized how much I suck at chemistry and math and biology.

That was disappointing. Then I went into journalism. Had more success there. I'm a good writer, but I didn't like the pressure of working for a daily newspaper.

I tried chemistry again. Still no go.

So I quit school and went to work in accounting, even taking some classes at the local college to better equip me for my work. Accounting is a fine job for some, but for me it was soul draining.

I went back to school, thinking I'd get a degree in education. I like kids; I'll teach high school history.

I did great in the history classes and sucked at the education ones, so I switched my degree to pure history and got my bachelor's degree three years later. Then I came here and now, I'm seven pages away from a Master's of Arts in History of Women, Gender and Sexuality.

It's hard to believe I'm done with school. It's interesting that homework won't be my main time consuming activity anymore. There are things I dread about this process -- having to get up early everyday to make it to a job scares me because historically, I'm not great with mornings -- but there are things about which I'm really excited -- getting to read just for pleasure! Getting a paycheck! Having a normal schedule! Not studying all night! No finals week! No massive 20 page papers! My new job is looking for a job. And packing my apartment.

So, I'd like to take this time to thank my family and my friends who've stuck with me through this long educational process. I took that "educational career" thing a bit seriously, and ya'll have seen me through it.

Thanks. And who's buying the drinks?

Give

2009-05-12T22:44:00.002-05:00

I had some extra money in my food budget this month (like a lot extra) so I put it to good use. I filled a grocery cart to the top with non-perishables and I donated to a family in need. I got some really great deals at the store and bought 127 items for less than $200. And now this family probably has enough food to get them through the next 6 weeks.

And then tonight, I went to my favorite Chinese place for some fab lo mein (which I'm never supposed to have). Like a lot of restaurants here, the Chinese place only takes cash, but there's an ATM across the street. So I put in my order and headed over the ATM. As I crossing the parking lot, an obviously homeless man asked if I had any spare change. I didn't, and said so and kept walking.

I was a little scared at first -- it was dark and I'm heading to the ATM -- but he wasn't following me or anything.

So I get my money and head back to the Chinese place to pick up my order. And I'm thinking on the way there about giving.

I'm a firm believer in giving -- and not just at Christmas, but year round. I don't have a lot, and when big stuff comes up -- like my move later this summer -- I still have to ask my parents for help. But I have an apartment and I have food and heat and electricity and I have a warm bed and kitties.

And there's this guy who doesn't have any of that.

In my head, I imagined a conversation with him. "Hey, man, what happened? How'd you get here? What went wrong?"

And then I realized the fallacy in those questions. The idea that Americans only end up poor and homeless because something went wrong. The idea that opportunity is equal for everyone and the only reason someone would end up poor and homeless is because they've made a mistake (or several) somewhere along the way.

There's also the idea that giving has to be noble. That you should only give to a good cause. What an elitist, judgmental position. Who determines the spiritual and emotional value of giving to another? Is there such a thing as a unworthy cause? A human suffering is a good cause.

But the elite say no, it must be noble and virtuous.

You shouldn't give money to people who ask for it because they're not going to spend it on food. They're probably alcoholics or drug addicts and if you give them money they're just going to feed their addiction.

Bullocks!

When I give money, it's a gift. I'm not a bank; I don't give loans. When I give, I don't expect to get it back. So if I give you money, it's yours. You're responsible for what you do with it. If someone wants to feed their habit with the money I've given them, that's their choice. Now, if I'm giving you money everyday and it's going up your arm, that's one thing. But if you're a stranger I'm never gonna see again, I can't let your (supposed) addictions determine the quality of my character.

The idea that all we have to do to get out of poverty is work hard is a perpetually continued fallacy of American culture. The fact is most of the people born into poverty have a hell of time getting out of it, if they ever do. The rarity is people who manage to steer clear of drugs, crime, violence and the grinding ego-killing degradation of poverty to become a success.

As I'm walking back to the Chinese place, the guy is still there and he's watching another customer on his cell phone. I can practically FEEL him trying to drum up the courage to ask him spare change.

I go in, I get my noodles that I shouldn't have, but that I can afford, and I get my change. I put some of it in my wallet.

And when I walked out, I handed the guy a ten spot.

I don't know if he bought food with it or not.

But I know that the act of giving and receiving nourished us both.

The Ice Cream Battles

2009-05-10T19:21:00.002-05:00

I had a panic attack last night and took some medicine for it. Ended up sleeping most of the day today. Woke up dreaming about ice cream. I keep reminding myself that I've made the commitment avoid ice cream for 30 days (it's day 14 right now). So I've been trying to take better care of myself -- paying attention to what I eat, getting more exercise. I'm far from perfect, but I'm doing better. And every since I woke from that dream about eating ice cream, I've been craving it. And not just any ice cream, but specific ice cream from a specific ice cream shop.

It's surprising to me how hard bad habits fight back. I hesitate to call it an addiction, but I definitely have an unhealthy relationship with food. And everytime I resolve to take better care of myself, something happens and I break my resolve.

Well, not tonight. The ice cream shop closes at 9pm, which means in 20 minutes I've won the battle for today. I am going to reward myself with some diet coke, but I'm not going to go get it until after 9.

And I STILL have papers to write...

The problem is there is no problem

2009-05-08T01:57:00.003-05:00

Okay, so it's almost 3 am and I have two papers due TODAY and haven't started writing either of them.

I have the research for the 20-pager done, all I have to do is write it. I have all the research for the 12-pager, I just haven't read through it yet. I have a pretty good idea about what I'll be arguing though.

Right now I'm taking a break and letting my brain settle. I'm letting my brain work on it and I'll start writing when I feel inspired. I don't have a thesis yet for the 20-pager and I'm sort of waiting for that to dawn on me and then I'll start writing. I have the outline done -- I just don't know where to start cos usually you start with "In this paper, I will argue..." and I don't know what I'm arguing yet.

It'll come to me.

In the meantime, I've been letting my brain wander. I've rock out to my MP3 player and I've watched a couple episodes of Buffy (actually i was working on the outline whilst Buffy was killing demons and shagging Spike in the background).

Things lately have been ok. I made it all three classes this week. I've been showering. I've slacked off a little on working out and I haven't been eating totally healthy (there have been some potato chips), but it's finals week so I'm ok with that. This has been a really stressful week, what with the papers needing to be researched and my mom having surgery. So I'm not being too hard on myself.

But that's the weirdness. I'm hard on myself. I'm actually known for it.

And here I am, stressed to the gills and still -- dealing. Still functioning. Still taking care of business. Still showering and brushing my teeth and (except for tonight) sleeping just fine.

It's kind of freaking me out. The problem is there is no problem.

I've always been the first to crumble under stress. And yet I'm not. And ok, it could be that I'm finally properly medicated, but still.

I'm not freaking out and that's kind of freaking me out.

I mean, it's good and all, but it's new and weird. And I don't quite know what to do with myself.

Convenience to our detriment

2009-05-03T10:17:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was spring fling on campus. it's like a mini carnival they do on the quad -- complete with games (pop the ballon with a dart, ring toss, dunk tank etc), rides (only one or two of these, but still...) and carni food.

They were giving away snocones and cotton candy for free. I'm not much of a snocone person but I really like cotton candy. Now, I'm watching what I'm eating and cotton candy, being pure sugar, would send my blood sugar through the roof and is thus very bad for me, but I'm trying not to deprive myself and thought I would just have a little. I wandered through the crowd until I found where they were giving away the cotton candy and the line was six miles long.

I had a full backpack and was carrying three books and waiting in line did not sound like a fun idea. So I said forget it and walked to the bus stop to wait for my ride.

Then I thought, well, if I can give up something because there was a long line, then how badly did I really want it anyway?

Just makes me wonder -- If getting junk food were inconvenient, would you still eat it?

Saturday

2009-05-02T15:06:00.003-05:00

My car has two gas leaks, a break leak and a loose valve. They can't get the parts in to fix it until Tuesday, so I'm carless until probably Wednesday. I HAVE to have my car by Thursday because I have dr appointments and don't want to have to figure out the bus schedule to get there.

I've been at the libary for 5 hours doing research. I have almost all the research I need for the three papers I have due this week. One of them is just a short 3-5 page paper, but I'm drained and can't think right now.

So i'm taking all my research and heading home and will write it later when I can think.

Day 4 and 5

2009-05-01T11:48:00.002-05:00

As part of the wake up call, I am doing a 30 day health and fitness challenge. I have to exercise everyday for 30 days. I am not allowed ice cream AT ALL for that time. (there's an ice cream shop here that serves HUGE portions. A large cone is a FOOT of ice cream. I usually ordered the medium (which was still huge) and it was getting to be an everyday thing -- it was way out of control and I needed to reign it in anyway). I'm watching my carbs in general, trying to keep them between 5-10 servings per day. And of those, I want at least three to be fruit and one or two as milk.

So far it's going pretty well. I've exercised everyday and I'm eating better.

Last week when I went to the thrift store, I saw these rollerblades. I've never been rollerblading. I've never been comfortable with the thought of putting a woman my size on wheels, but I kept thinking about it after I saw them. And I decided well, you know, the worst that happens is that I break something. And I seriously doubt that would happen.

So i bought them. They were a major expense -- they cost a whopping $2.

Yesterday, I went rollerblading for the first time. It was fun except for the fact that my feet were screaming bloody murder. It's really good exercise that works most if not all of your body. I was sore this morning, but not too terribly, I just had this all over low level achy-ness.

I had to take my car in yesterday after rollerblading. I was smelling gasoline in the interior of the car and I haven't been getting nearly the gas mileage I used to. The guy said I probably had a gas leak (they'll know today)

Because I didn't have my car, I had to walk to therapy this morning. And I went by the post office on the way home (I think I walked 3 or 4 miles, somewhere in there).

I'm not as sore as I was this morning, but my butt still hurts :)

And the best of the best -- I'm sleeping much better now that I'm exercising everday. That just about makes it worth it right there.

Wake Up

2009-04-27T20:36:00.000-05:00

My thoughts are all over the place tonight.

First, the anti-anxiety med is working, so I'm feeling much less anxious. My sleep is all backwards though (sleeping during the day; awake at night) so i'm going to have to fix that tomorrow by staying up.

I've been doing some thinking since the date. J seemed like a nice person, but I was so unattracted to him I felt revolted and repulsed. When I was talking to my niece about it (she's 20) she said, "well, you can't be picky."

And while, YES, I CAN, I understood what she was trying to say.

What she meant is that I am morbidly obese (not a value judgment, just a medical fact) and at this weight, there are very few men for me to choose from. And those that do come around are not the cream of the crop, you know.

Plus, my mom has just been diagnosed with uterine cancer and the main factor affecting whether or not you get this type of cancer (or maybe all cancers, I don't know) is being overweight. Being overweight produces excess estrogen and when you hit perimenopause you're body doesn't know what to do with all of it and that creates a fertile situation for cancer to grow.

I've worked on my weight before. For about the last five years, I've either been dieting or binging. It's a roller coaster. My eating is emotional, but it's also the product of bad habits. When I'm depressed and anxious, I cope through eating. to fix it, I can't really focus on the eating -- I have to deal with the issues behind it (the depression, the anxiety) and when I resolve those, my eating changes for the better.

And while it's true that I'm just at the point where I'm properly medicated again (and the depression and anxiety are mostly under control), ever since Saturday, I've been thinking, if this is the kind of man I attract, something has GOT to change.

And it feels like there's a shift going on in my thinking.

I worked out this morning -- rode my exercise bike for half an hour, something that hasn't happened since January. I ate better today than I have in months. I even went out to eat tonight (because it was SO TOO DAMN HOT in my apartment to cook) and still did okay (they serve these melt in your mouth rolls that usually I can't get enough of (seriously, I've gone there and had 12 rolls before -- did I mention the binging) and tonight they didn't even appeal to me. I just left the basket sitting there. It wasn't a fight; i wasn't forcibly restraining myself. I simply didn't want them because I know they're bad for me.

In the past when i'd work on my weight, i'd be obsessed with time lines and how much I could lose by when. This time, it feels different. It's not about the numbers, it's about taking care of myself. This time, it's about living, not about becoming someone else, not about keeping track of my weight so I can keep track of whether or not I'm a good person. This time it's about creating a healthy body so I can live a happier life.

I think my mom having cancer and meeting this guy and the realizations that followed from both have been a wake up call.

I'm answering the phone this time.

The date

2009-04-25T09:52:00.002-05:00

Plenty of Fish is a free dating website. I've had my profile up there for the better part of a year. About a month or so ago, a guy contacted me. We've been emailing and chatting back and forth since then. he seems nice. So, we decided to meet.

In about half an hour, we're going to meet for lunch and then we're going to go bowling. I'm a little nervous, but not too much.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Anxiety

2009-04-22T17:52:00.002-05:00

Since the beginning of the month I've been having daily panic attacks. My psychiatrist and I wanted to up the SSRI and see if that helped before prescribing any new meds. It hasn't helped at all.

So when I go see her tomorrow I'm going to ask for something for anxiety. Hopefully, we can find meds to treat it without having to break out the benzodiazapams (ativan, xanax, valium), which are highly addictive and just put me to sleep anyway (and if you're sleeping, you can't function...)

There are a couple of other choices and I hope we can find some combination of meds that's takes care of this cos my stomach has been killing me all month and I've had about enough of it.

I don't know

2009-04-20T18:21:00.004-05:00

My mom has cancer. It's confirmed. The good news is that she has a very treatable form of the disease. But still, it's cancer and that means surgery and radiation and lots of not fun stuff. I found out about it on Friday evening. I spent the weekend in a fog. Stunned. Shocked. Afraid. Angry. Lost. She has a bunch of tests this week and then a doctor's appointment next week. At this point, we don't know if she'll make it for my graduation. We'll just have to see.

I did manage to apply to about 10 jobs online (after sifting through thousands) -- got my cover letter/s written, got my list of references done. So far, I've only applied to one job that uses my degree directly -- special assistant to the president of a museum. That's the one I'm hoping for. I also applied for an editorial position at Highlights magazine. That would be a fun job, I think. For now, I spend 2-4 hours a day applying for jobs. I just have to wait and see.

My landlord called yesterday and wants to know when I can give him my notice that I'm moving out. I don't know. Do you think you'll be able to give 30 days? I don't know.

That's the answer I have right now, I don't know.

Life needs to slow down

2009-04-18T05:08:00.002-05:00

April has been a hell of a month.

First, the shootings here in Binghamton. That same night my best friend had her baby
Then I go to Pittsburgh for a week to visit a friend and I have a new memory while I'm there. I'm still dealing with that -- been to my therapist, working through it, trying to put the pieces together, still remembering in flashes. Meanwhile, I've been talking to this guy I met on PlentyofFish.com and we're arranging to spend a day together either next Saturday or Sunday (my first real date in at least 15 years). I graduate in a month. I just found out I passed my master's exam and am free to graduate now. I have three papers to do and three weeks of class and then I'm done. I'm looking for a job/doing my resume and cover letter/posting on monster.com etc. and last night my mom calls to tell me she's been preliminarily diagnosed with a serious illness.

There's just A LOT going on right now.

Can we just slow down until I catch my breath?

WOW!

2009-04-09T17:04:00.003-05:00

I'm visiting my friend B in Pittsburgh. She managed to clear her very busy schedule today so we decided to have some fun. We went to a thrift store and I made out like a demon!

I went in looking for professional shoes. I got five shirts, five pairs of pants and three 2-piece suits, a pair of heels, a pair of shorts and a cd (they had them at the counter and I saw one I wanted) for....

$74!

One of the suits is definitely a winter suit. The other two are good probably spring/summer/fall. The shirts are all summer shirts. I have three pairs of summer crop pants (but professional crop pants).

the bonus is that the thrift store didn't have a dressing room, so I couldn't try anything on.

And EVERYTHING fits and fits well, except for the shorts, which were too small.

One of the pairs of pants still had the original price tag on it -- Liz Clairborne pants originally priced at $89.95, I got them for $6.

My friend's mother sews really well and she's gonna hem some of the pants for me and I will be all set.

WOW!! I made a killing.

Better

2009-04-05T15:58:00.002-05:00

I realized as long as I don't watch the news, I can function pretty well despite this tragedy.

I was OK on Friday when I heard about it. I knew I had been in that area, but I wasn't quite sure of the exact location and I didn't piece it all together until I watched the press conference and realized how close I was when this happened. THEN it hit me. I watched the news all night Friday. Stayed in bed all day yesterday. Escaped into sleep and the Tami Hoag book I bought at Barnes and Noble.

I woke up today at noon and realized I hadn't taken a shower in I don't know how long. Thursday? Maybe. That's part of being depressed -- I don't take care of myself the way I should. So I took care of some stuff around the house, cleaned the litter, took a shower, brushed my teeth. Did all those self-care things I'd been neglecting.

I decided I needed a book. This week is Spring Break and I have very little homework to do and I'm going out of town, so I need pleasure reading.

I was heading to Barnes and Noble when my car turned and I went into the university instead.

We have a nature preserve here on campus and on Friday my therapist had been scolding me (gently and lovingly but still scolding) for letting my depression immobilize me. She wanted me to take a walk in the woods, knowing that in the past I've found that very soothing and helpful. The weather was crappy yesterday and Friday, but today it's in the 50s and sunny, so why not? I could always go to B&N after.

So I walked down the squishy paths and tromped through the woods and listened to the birds and watched the chipmunks. I got lost twice (well, not really "lost" -- there are about 5 trails going through there. I was on one of them, but I didn't know where it led, so *I* was lost, but had direction). I ended up climbing this incredibly steep hill and walking along the "ridge trail." That nearly killed me. My legs are still shaking from that. I discovered I like to walk in circles. I didn't want to double back to get to my car. I wanted to keep going forward and find my way through the woods. How metaphorical is that?

And as I was sitting on a log catching my breath, it occurred to me that I screwed up my meds this morning. I had an insurance snafu so my dr. gave me enough meds to cover the next two weeks. But she gave me a lower dose pill, which meant I was supposed to take 4 of them. I screwed up and forgot that and only took 2 -- which meant I had basically cut my dosage in half by accident this morning.

So, I had to double back (because that was the fastest way to get to my car. Not knowing the trails, I didn't know if the one I was on would lead out to my car). So I walked back to my car, came home, took two more pills. I'm starting to feel normal again.

My shoes and the bottom of my pants were covered with mud, so I couldn't have gone to B&N anyway. Maybe I'll go tomorrow.

Right now I have corned beef boiling away on the stove and I'm gonna have that and taters and salad for dinner. I have a paper to write that was due Friday, but I've been so depressed I haven't been able to concentrate. So I need to get that done.

And I guess the walk in the woods helped (as did avoiding the news) cos I'm feeling better. Not 100% yet, but definitely better than I was.

Life and Death

2009-04-03T20:11:00.002-05:00

This morning, a lone gunman murdered 14 people and wounded 6 others in a shooting spree.

Tonight, my best friend went into labor. My nephew should born any time now.

Today is a day of life and death.

I'm teary-eyed and at a loss for words now. Caught between anguish and joy; mourning and celebration.

At moments, I think there are 14 people in this town I will never see in the grocery store or pass on the street or smile at ever again.

Then, I think of the pictures I will get later tonight, the phone call I'm expecting at any time.

At moments, my heart feels cut open, vulnerable to violence and pain. The death of strangers.

Then, it feels warmed with love and joy. The birth of family.

I feel very strange.

Fragile.

But strong. Grateful for every breath, every emotion, every interaction.

Update

2009-04-01T07:48:00.002-05:00

1. I swear mother nature thinks it's october. Monday, it tried to snow. Yesterday, it was in the 40s and it's overcast and rainy today. And because we haven't had consistent days of good weather, nobody's gotten their spring yard work done so all the leaves are still all over everywhere and ... It looks like October.

2. Haven't gotten any official word on the master's exam. My professor for my Monday class is on my committee and when I asked him he said I had passed his part of the exam but he was the first one to get the exam and he didn't know how I'd done on the other two parts. Then I ran into a friend who told me not to worry because, as she put it, "You have to TRY to fail that exam." That helped a little, but I still continue to worry.

3. I saw my psychiatrist last week. We upped the SSRI again. I had a few side effects earlier this week, but they seem to be going away. I can't really tell if it's working or not. I still feel about 60% -- functional more half the time, but not by much. I am mostly taking care of myself, but I still feel blah.

4. It's 9 am and I'm at the library. I have two papers to do today (both less than 8 pages) so I guess I best get started.

I'm taking the weekend

2009-03-26T22:37:00.002-05:00

As it's been a month of depression and anxiety and stress and exam and side effects, I'm finding myself very much wanting a break. Spring break doesn't actually start for me for a week (our university is so sly, well, how do we give them spring break and screw them out of getting days for Easter? We do it the same week! So our Spring break is always the week before Easter -- nevermind that this year Easter comes a month before school ends). So I have decided to take the weekend.

The weather is supposed to be nice, so I'm gonna pull out my bike (YES!) and make sure it's in running condition and maybe pack it up to the trail and go for a ride. I'm gonna walk through the nature preserve on campus and I'm going to read books for pleasure. I went to Barnes and Noble today and got Christopher Moore's first book, Practical Demonkeeping, and one by Tami Hoag, whom I'm not really familiar with, but it was in the mysteries section!

I declare NO HOMEWORK
I declare NO THINKING ABOUT THE EXAM (hence, the books and exercise)
I declare NO STRESS

Oh, and I saw my psychiatrist today and she upped my SSRI cos we're not getting quite the response we want out of it. I'm still feeling depression/anxious most of the time. I mean, I'm better, but I'm not great, so we're tweaking.

The Demon of Depression

2009-03-21T17:02:00.005-05:00

Last week I joined an online depression forum and it's helped me come to a realization.

I joined the forum after I met with my psychiatrist (when she switched my meds) and she was telling me she wished she could get all her depressive patients together because we all tell her the same thing -- we're failures and we're alone and nobody is ever gonna love us, etc. She said the thing that really bothers her is that she hears this from 10 patients a day, yet, WE all feel utterly alone and like nobody would ever understand it. And we never meet each other and just get to talk about our depression because we're all holed up in our little rooms being depressed.

So I got to thinking about it and maybe crazy people just need to network with one another because maybe community helps.

Mostly, I've just been reading on the forum. And she's right -- we all say the same things, have the same feelings, go through the same miserable medication merry go round, wonder if life will ever be better, doubt that life will ever be better and start thinking death sounds peaceful and blissful and la la la.

So I started thinking about it.

There's a really lame tv show out there about three sisters who are witches. It's called Charmed and it's a fun show if you're into cheesy, lame tv like I am. It was an Aaron Spelling production so imagine Buffy meets Melrose Place, ok? I mean Shannen Doherty was even in it for god's sake.

So there's this one episode where Shannen's character (Prue) is being attacked by some demon. The demon of fear I think it was. And the demon of fear was invisible, but he'd stand next to his victims and he'd tell them things. Awful things like you're worthless and you should die -- you know, evil demon stuff.

And then they would start thinking, "I'm worthless and I should die." But it wasn't their thought -- it was the demon telling them to think that. But they didn't know it was a demon -- and this is key -- they BELIEVED their thoughts.

So, I'm thinking this is how depression works.

There's this invisible depression demon and he stands there and tells you all these horrible things but you think they're your thoughts and thus start to feel like crap and then you believe all of it and boom, you've got depression.

So, they key is to sit down and try to think, what's MY thought and what's the demon's thought. Maybe sit down with some paper and make two columns and try to figure it out that way.

Once I started doing that last week, I started realizing how much of my negative thoughts and beliefs weren't mine -- I wasn't thinking them two months ago. Two months ago when my medication was working, I didn't have these thoughts. I only started to get them when my medication started to malfunction.

The Demon of Depression is tricky though. He'll tell you depression is your natural state and the medicine is just hiding from your real self. He'll tell you you're a special case and NO MEDICINE and NO DOCTOR and NOTHING can ever help you. He adds up every single time you've ever failed and IGNORES every single success you've ever had (if you think you've never had a success, that would be the demon, too. Everybody has successes -- in kindergarten, I learned how to tie my shoes. I was so successful at it that I still know how to do it, but will the demon of depression give me credit for that? NO. He says, it wasn't really a success. You were five and besides, if you'd REALLY been smart you would have learned when you were 3).

So figuring out what's his thought and what's your thought is tricky because HE DOESN'T PLAY FAIR.

So don't play fair with him. Be courageous! Refuse to believe his lies! Refuse to accept that you're hopeless!

Don't let the demon win!

So, now I know this. I'm not saying I won't fall for the demon's tricks in the future because I probably will, but maybe I'll catch on sooner next time and will realize after a day or two instead of a week or two or a month or two.

Cos one thing is certain, the demon WILL come back.

Drunk... or not

2009-03-21T15:26:00.002-05:00

As I've mentioned I recently switched SSRIs. The new med has the side effect that some people can drink and drink and not get drunk. It doesn't happen to everybody.

So, I had less vodka than I usually have, but enough that I should have been buzzed -- and I felt completely normal. Until I moved... and then all the dizziness in the world came down upon me. So I stopped drinking and went to bed. Talked to a few people on the phone who said, "Weren't you gonna drink tonight."

Um, yeah. So I can't get drunk anymore. Phoo!

The Exam

2009-03-20T13:41:00.002-05:00

Ok. So.

It's a three hour exam. 1 essay question/hour.

I finished in two.

And apparently nobody in the history OF EVER has ever done that.

So... either I'm REALLY gifted and was REALLY prepared and wrote REALLY fast

Or

I'm REALLY screwed.

I know I did ok on two of the questions and I'm actually only concerned with the first one. I was excited and nervous and caffeinated and might not have actually answered the question as much as I just wrote down stuff I'd learnt.

So I may have to re-take that part of the exam, but that's okay. I can do that.

I tend to be one of those people who panics AFTER the exam and thinks, oh what if I forgot something, what if I finished it too fast, what if I'm screwed???!!

Hence, the vodka.

And besides, it's not a definite thing yet anyway so for now I'm assuming I did well and drinking....

FYI: Dead Phone

2009-03-20T08:18:00.004-05:00

Okay, people, I didn't realize my phone needed charging last night, so it died this morning. I'll be able to charge it once I get home, so if you need to talk to me, wait until about 4pm (otherwise known as "after the exam" :)).

Thanks

T-24 hours

2009-03-19T10:36:00.002-05:00

I take the master's exam in 24 hours and 24 minutes.

but not that i'm counting.

Oh, I'm gonna be sick...

and breathing....

this is awful. why do they make us do this?

So not fair.

No more white hats

2009-03-18T18:42:00.000-05:00

Themes of rescue and abandon play a big role in my life. I was lacking in heroes growing up. I had villains – lots of villains, but no heroes. That’s the price you pay for being born with a soul into a family of demons.

So, for years, I chased heroes.

First, Simon.

Oh, Simon. I needed a hero and he was gracious enough to play the role – both in fantasy and in person.

I was a Duranie for fifteen years before I actually met him. My Duraniedom was about comfort – I was never one of those groupie type girls who just wanted sex. Sex was insubstantial. Sex was flimsy. The core of my Duraniedom was always about heart. I wanted a hug. And I got one from him. It was beautiful. We had a moment, and it confused me for ten years. I lost perspective. Sharing that hug with him was such a big moment for me that I forgot that for him it wasn’t that important. It took me years to realize he’s just a man with a job. We had a moment, to be sure, but I exaggerated it and lost myself in it, forgetting that while Simon could pretend to be my hero, he was just pretending.

I played out rescue and abandonment with my friends, too, who weren’t pretending. I wanted to be saved and I made it clear I expected my friends to save me. In years past, I had friends who couldn’t or wouldn’t rise to that challenge and who either stomped away angrily or quietly slipped out of my life.

But there were others; people who dropped their lives to rescue me; people who nearly went mad trying to save me; people who nearly killed themselves trying to rescue me from the pain of my childhood, people who eventually resented me because my problems were endless and unsolvable.

In the end, I lost everyone that I depended on because, in their words, I was too crazy, too difficult, too much trouble, which echoed the abandonment in my childhood. Ultimately, it was my fault I lost those friends because I was too busy recreating the dynamics of childhood.

I always turned to friends rather than professionals. The problem I had with professionals was money. I had to pay them to care about me. But the fact that mental health is a business, doesn’t detract from the fact that my therapists and psychologists and psychiatrists have cared about my well-being.

Now, I have friends who have very well-developed boundaries and refuse to drop their lives to save me. They listen when I’m going crazy, but the only help they can offer is to refer me to my professionals.

It’s very easy for me to get caught up in a depressive episode and think nobody loves me because nobody rides in wearing a white hat.

But that’s the thing about rescue. It indirectly implies, “I don’t think you can take care of yourself, so I’m going to do it for you.”

Now, my friends not only assure me that I can handle it, but insist that I do. They force me, sometimes kicking and screaming (ok, I admit it), to be responsible for myself. Which requires more effort than being saved, but is also more empowering.

For me, healthy adult relationships are never going to involve rescue; regardless of the relationship, regardless of the level of involvement. Love is about trust and support and empowerment, not co-dependency, desperation and eventual abandonment.

Side effects are back

2009-03-17T14:44:00.002-05:00

I'm back to getting winded really easily and the dry mouth is back and the dizziness when I move is interesting. Good news is that I don't expect these to last much longer than a day or so.

And I discovered that the massage I'd scheduled was in a town about 30 minutes away -- I had just looked them up online and it said there were here, but apparently, they're not. SO...

I called a local spa and they do massages. I was planning on skipping class today anyway (I expected the side effects) so I'm gonna go in for one at 5:45 tonight. And then I realized that getting a massage was a lot like going on a date and had to shave my legs and take a shower! LOL

I haven't gotten much studying done yet today, but it's ok. I'll get it done by the exam. Maybe after I relax a little I can get some done tonight.

2009-03-17T09:57:00.002-05:00

So I sent the whole last post to my psychiatrist and we also emailed about the dosage of the SSRI. In the end we decided to up the SSRI by 20 mg, which means I'll have to deal with side effects for a little while longer, but it also means I might be getting the medication back to functioning.

I joined an online forum for depression and apparently from reading the boards there, going between the two versions of this drug is quite common and most people have difficulties with it.

I also arranged to have a massage tomorrow morning. When I get depressed, my body holds all the pain and anger and it makes me really tight and sore and there's not enough stretching in the world that can fix that so I decided I need a theraputic massage.

In the end, doing those few proactive things made me feel better and actually started to bring me out of the depression. I'm still feeling down, but I'm not thinking about death anymore or constantly berating myself.

I had a good long talk with one of my friends last night about everything that's been going on and through hashing that out with her I was able identify what I need to work on next, what the depression is about, what's the situational root is to the depression.

Part of the problem is having to come to terms (again) with the fact that there is no cure for what ails me. I will likely always have depressive episodes; I will likely always be on some pills (even if I go the holistic route, there would still be pills to take); I will likely always need professional help. I thought the EMDR could cure me, and the realization that it can't hurts. EMDR can do wonders for the situational depression I have, but it does nothing for the chemical imbalance.

All of that is hard to swallow because I have desperately always wanted to be free of mental illness, to be normal. I had it in my head that once I achieved freedom from mental illness, my life could begin, I would magically become loveable, I would lose 100 pounds in three weeks and I would be able to have a family and I'd never be unhappy again.

Yeah, ok, so I'm a little idealistic and possibly melodramatic and, fine if you want to get technical, maybe a perfectionist.

The reality is much messier and there is no ribbon tying it all into a neat little package. I have to accept the nuances of life -- that being fat or lazy or a slob (all of which is technically true, though there's probably a less negative way to put that) doesn't make me unloveable. I have to accept the realities of people -- that regardless of how many people I have now or in the future who love me to pieces, I will sometimes still feel lonely and the responsibility of managing my mental illnesses will always be my own.

I hate that. No, I mean, I really hate that, but that's adulthood. And the rewards are that I have friends who stand by me through my depression; I have drs and therapists who are caring and responsive to my needs and I might -- MIGHT -- just pass the master's exam friday.

So while I wouldn't want to build a summer home in the fire swamp of depression, the trees are actually quite lovely

(And kudos to you who get that reference)

I gots the blues

2009-03-16T09:32:00.003-05:00

There are two types of depression for me. The first is caused by a chemical imbalance -- usually caused by a medication malfunction. The second is situational -- something happens, and I become depressed. The first can cause the second (I have a chemical imbalance that leads to a situational depression) or vice versa. Right now, I have a chemical imbalance that was caused by decreasing the medication too soon, too quickly and it's led to a situational depression in I'm having a whirlwind of negative thoughts and fears about my life, what's going to happen or not going to happen, etc.

Last Thursday, I saw my psychiatrist. I told her the decrease wasn't working and what I'd been taking (I had increased it on my own) and she left that where it was.

The other medicine -- an ssri -- is a different story. It was invented in the 1960s, when the patent ran out the greedy whores at the drug company changed like one molecule of the drug and re-issued it with a brand new more expensive patented name. So, basically, there are two almost identical drugs with completely different pricing. I had been taking the name brand version, but my insurance balks at having to pay for that, and the psych dr wanted to increase it. So, she switched me to the generic and increased the dosage, which I've been taking since Friday.

Now as some of you may know SSRI's have side effects. I didn't have any noticable side effects with the name brand, but then I'd been on it a good five yeas. So, since I switched I've been having some transitional side effects. I expect them to go away, but this is what I've been dealing with this weekend:

Blurred vision
tremors
lightheadedness
dizziness especially when I moved my head
heart palpatations

All of those have gone away. I had them for one day -- Saturday and they disappeared when I took my second dose of the generic.

I've also been dealing with:

diarrhea/stomach upset
insomnia (even with sleepy meds, I'm getting 4-6 hours of sleep at night)
indigestion
decreased appetite
dry mouth
decreased sex drive (as in, I have none. I would turn down lebron james right now cos the whole idea of sex is just too boring and too much effort. the realization of this just depresses me even more)
and the biggie, suicidal idealization.

A word about that last one. I am not suicidal. I am not planning on harming myself. I am not harming myself.

I just think about being dead a lot. How quiet it would be. How nice it would be to not be in so much pain.

And then my brain starts listing the reasons I should be dead -- the people who hate me (and oh, that's everybody apparently), the things that are wrong with me (and oh, that's everything) and the fact that neither of these "facts" will ever change and then it predicts the darkest, dankest future that I start to feel this overwhelming sense of dread and wish I was dead already.

I spend most of my time trying not to feel. I'm looking for distraction. The good news is the master's exam is friday so I have plenty to do to keep myself occupied. I make myself shower and brush my teeth. I make myself eat (though most of what I've been eating is crapolicious to the nth degree). I dutifully swallow the drugs that aren't helping and might actually be making all this worse. And then I go to the library.

I spend most of my time feeling numb and frozen and grey. I feel like the ashes after the fire has gone out. That is until I try to fall asleep and let my guard down and my brain starts telling me how awful everything is and then I cry myself to sleep, rinse lather repeat.

Because of the exam and because one of my therapists is on vacation in Arizona, I have zero therapy this week. I keep telling myself all of this is temporary. I keep telling myself this is just a depressive episode and it will pass. And it is and they'll fix the meds or I'll do EMDR and it will be better -- until the next episode because I can't be cured and this black hole of despair will always be in my brain just waiting for me to trip and fall into it again. So, really, why bother?

But that's just the depression talking.

And that's where I'm at.

Facebook

2009-03-14T22:17:00.002-05:00

If you regularly contact me through Facebook, don't bother. Ever since they updated the pages this past week, I can't do anything. None of my links work. I can't confirm or ignore requests; I can't use any of the apps; I can't write on anyone's wall. I was able to finally update my wall, but I couldn't do it from my home page or my profile page, I had to use the link that says my name in the bottom right of the banner.

I'm FURIOUS. I actually have friend requests I would like to confirm and I can't do it. I went to the help page and there's NOTHING there about this problem. I emailed Facebook and well, let's say I don't expect to hear from them for six months as that's about how long it took the last time I emailed them.

GRRRRRRRR!

Medication merry go round

2009-03-10T06:44:00.002-05:00

Since the end of January, I have been lowering the dosage on one of my medications. I'm doing this with my doctor and therapists and it was going swell. The idea was taht I would be off this medication by April.

Yeah. That was a nice idea.

I started overeating. And I took that as a sign of anxiety. And I thought I knew why I was feeling anxious. I had some tough therapy sessions (see the post about Family below). I have the Master's Exam coming up, which even though I know I'll do fine is still freaking me out a little.

So, I thought once I did the EMDR on my stepmom that I'd be feeling much better.

Well, we did that last Thursday and while I did feel better about that situation, I was still depressed. I spent most of the weekend in bed, sleeping 16 hours a day. I ate maybe once a day. I showered Monday morning for the first time in 5 days. The dishes weren't done; the litter wasn't cleaned; my house is trashed.

By themselves, any one of these is a pretty good indication that I'm not doing very well. Together, they mean I'm already IN a depressive episode.

I thought about it; I tried to figure it out. In the end I decided I didn't know what was wrong.

And if you can't put your finger on what's wrong, then the problem is brain chemistry.

My dr and I were dropping the dosage by 20 mg every two weeks. I can pinpoint in that process exactly where I got anxious/depressed.

SO I upped the meds by 20 mg yesterday. I feel better today, but I still don't feel like myself, so I upped them again this morning.

I had therapy yesterday and we spent over an hour talking about how I felt like I'd failed. I have this idea that someday I'm not going to need drugs or drs or any of this pyschological intervention and when that day comes THEN I can start living my life. My therapist laughed out loud when I told her that. But it's worse than that. I've been rejected by nearly everyone I've ever loved because I was too crazy/too difficult/too much trouble. I was always the freak and nobody wanted the freak. After all that rejection, I got it into my head that I'm never going to be loved until I'm healed. So, having to stay on the medication means I'm going to be alone that much longer. In some ways, I have always been alone and while I'm used to it, it still hurts.

And all of that may be an irrational conclusion created by pain and grief and lonliness, but that doesn't make it feel any less true.

So I'm depressed because I haven't been taking enough of the meds and the fact that I still need the meds is depressing me even more.

My therapist said we need to challenge some of my beliefs and she said it's not that I can't ever go off the meds -- it's not that I won't ever be healed -- it's just that I'm not there yet.

I'm glad she has hope.

Right now, though, I just feel totally defeated.

Everything that glitters

2009-03-07T12:49:00.001-05:00

And God said, "Take thy no-love painting of the hands in mind and take thyself to the best store ever for inspiration."

So I wandered Michaels and found podge! and brushes for the podge! and oooooooh....

***glitter***

And God said "add glitter to the paintings of the hands and then the ordinary will sparkle, and therein lies the love."

now I'm waiting for the podge to dry to see what it all looks like finished.

Family

2009-03-06T01:23:00.002-05:00

There's a rumor going around that I have a "secret blog" -- secret, that is, from my famil(ies).

Rest assured, dear readers, this is the only space in the internet where I attempt to make sense of the inane drivel that is my life (doncha feel compelled to read now).

So the theme is family.

My EMDR therapist and I realized we were at the end of the big black book of memories and weren't sure what work was lef that needed to be done. So, we took a break.

And in the interim, it became clear that I have some very deep, unhappy feelings toward my stepmom. So Kathi and I met last week and I told her the saga of me and my stepmom and how we've managed to hurt each other to the point where we only get along to keep my father from having to choose.

I talked to my stepmom (hereforth known as J)at Christmas and told her all the wonderful progress I've made with EMDR and how I'm really feeling happy and how I want to better my relationships with friends and family, specifically her. And her response was, "I don't trust you."

and I thought, "what is this, a test?"

But I said ok, that's how she feels. I am not responsible for changing that. I'm not even sure how responsible I am for creating that, so I just let it go.

But it bugged me. I talked about it in therapy with Kim, who suggested I do the EMDR with Kathi about it.

So Last week Kathi and I set up the EMDR. I told her about the relationship, the history of having been excluded from the family, the myriad tiny and indirect ways my stepmom undermines my authority, denies me respect, treats me like I'm 12. And then more than that, to the ways that my dad does not stand up for me when she does this. When she's mean to me, he doesn't point it out and tell her she's being unfair (though her own daughter did). So I feel excluded from the family and abandoned by my dad.

I have changed. I have changed how I interact with this family. This Christmas she was her usual passive aggressive, controlling, rigid self and I let it go.

I'm not going to let her push my buttons and then get blamed for starting drama when I can't take her button pushing anymore.

Homie don't play those games anymore. I refuse to get caught in her traps. Telling me she didn't want a relationship with me was manipulative == it was a test. If I'd gotten upset about it, *I* would have been blamed for starting drama.

So I let it go. It's her problem.

But explaining all of this to Kathi brough up all the feeling/memories -- how it felt when x happened, when she denied x happen and when she then blamed me because Y happened.

I saw Kathi on Thursday. Spent all weekend in bed. I was having serious anxiety attacks, couldn't breath, couldn't think straight, stomach in knots and yet more knots. I took a lot of anti-anxiety meds and slept.

Monday I started crying. And I cried pretty much all day monday.

Monday night, my oldest niece (my biological niece) called me and said my sister left. Oh? just left? Yep. The nieces are 18 and 20, but the youngest one is still in high school. They had food and heat and electricity and seemed mostly safe, so I didn't panic about it, but at the same time, I was disturbed. Neither girl has her licence or a car nor did they have much money.

Yet, despite their legal ages, both girls depend pretty heavily on their mom. Which is, I understand, why she left. She wants them to take th initiative in becoming adults. And her method to bringing this about was curious to me: I'd never seen abandonment used as a parenting tool before.

My sister finally called me on Wednesday and said, "I divorced the girls and ran away." I said, "Didn't know you could do that."

She spent 45 minutes complaining about how useless, worthless, lazy and clueless both girls are, how all they do is challenge her authority, how they have no respect for her.

I tried to explain that all that is perfectly normal for their age group. She assured me it was not.

I told her I thought she'd made a mistake and that abandoning your kids -- for whatever reason -- was not going to teach them the lessons she wanted them to learn.

Then she got pissed, asked me where I get off criticising her when i don't even have kids, and hung up on me. I called back and calmly suggested that she not call me again until she's thinking rationally and can take responsibility for her kids.

I haven't really heard much since then. I know my sister did come home, but I don't know if they talked or not. I don't know if the girls are "allowed" to talk to me. I waited all day for the eldest niece to call me and she never did. When I finally caught up with her on yahoo im, she said she didn't want to use the phone today.

All my little artist friends will be so proud of me tonight. I drug out all my paints and some paper started rubbing different colors of paint onto my hands and pressing handprtints down on paper. All these different colored hands going in all directions, colors blending and bleeding together, dark background, white background, same mismash of hands. I see family -- complicated urgent, intersection. I see togetherness and exlusion, I see patience and the frenzied energy of arranging schedules and lives.

What I don't see, though, is love.

I'm really concerned about that.

6 Things That Make Me Happy

2009-02-17T10:05:00.002-05:00

I was tagged by Lira, so I'm playing along.

1. warm weather
2. curling up with a good book
3. my kitties
4. comfie pjs
5. long walks through the woods
6. laughing with friends

Okay, so I'm lazy

2009-02-15T18:23:00.002-05:00

The wellness center (where the labyrinth is) held a woman's day retreat today, so I went.

We spent most of the day in a deeply meditative space, breathing fully, relaxing and rejuvinating. We did a little yoga, walked the indoor labyrinth (because the outdoor one is covered in snow) and had a very nice lunch of lentil soup, salad, strawberries and chocolate.

After lunch we talked about balance. In a healthy cycle the brain switches from right brain to left brain about once every hour and a half. But we don't live on a natural cycle anymore, so we tend to overuse one side of our brains. You can tell by which nostril you breath out of. If you tend to breath out of your right nostril, you are using your right brain -- very active, very busy. A person who only breathes on the right side is a Type A kind of person. Conversely, those who breath out of the left have a tendency toward depression.

Guess which side I breath out of almost always?!

The nostril you're breathing through is the active side, the other the passive side.

So to alter your breathing pattern and engage the other side of your brain, you can try alternate breathing. You place your thumb and ring finger on either side of your nose. Close your active nostril with your thumb or finger, and inhale through your passive side. Then close that side and exhale on your active side. Do this three times and then switch (inhale active side, exhale passive side)

We did this and then we did some self-reiki, which included placing our hands (fingers touching) over parts of our bodies that corresponded with the seven chakras and breathing deeply into those areas. When we did this, my mind just started with this constant stream of bitching. And I tried to stop it. And then realized, no, I need to let it go. So I took a deep breath and exhaled all of that negativity.

We continued with the reiki and I startd thinking about the fear I have.

I'm making a lot of big changes this year -- growing in new ways, taking responsiblity for my life and my environment and my body, you know, blooming.

But all of these changes come along with a fear of the unknown, a fear of different. A fear of failure.

We were doing the reiki and I let the fear come as I continued to breath deeply.

After we finished the reiki, we walked the laybrinth again.

I went into the labryinth asking to release my fear. When I got done walking the labyrinth, I sat down to meditate and suddenly this voice popped up in my head, "You're not afraid. You're lazy."

And it dawned on me:

Because I have been mentally ill for most of my adult life, I haven't had to take responsibility for a lot of things. I haven't been able to -- I couldn't function, I was too sick. In a lot of ways, I haven't had to grow up. With the EMDR and the amazing effects that had on my life, I decided it was time for me to take that responsibility. I sort of set up the start of school as the beginning of my new life.

And what's the first thing that happens when school started? I got sick.

There's a theory out there that every illness has an emotional root -- in effect, that we make ourselves sick by not dealing with our emotions. The being sick is nothing more than resistance to our emotions.

Getting sick was my way of procrastinating having to make changes in my life. My way of dragging my feet, my way of stopping the changes, of not having to take responsibility (because sometimes being a grown up isn't fun and requires effort and actual work). I don't act; I respond. I do everything at the very last moment -- basically I only do things when forced to.

Yeah. Uh huh. I know. I'm lazy.

And as soon as I realized that this tremendous weight just lifted off of me. I decided right then and there to be more proactive with everything -- my schoolwork, my housework, my health, my relationships. Everything.

And then as soon as I came to that, I had a massive coughing fit (which cracked me up because that means there's still a part of me resisting).

I'm going to finish part 4 of the master's exam studying tonight (coughing fits aside) and then tomorrow I'm going to catch up on the work I missed last week and on Thursday, I start running!!!!

Three little updates

2009-02-13T18:33:00.002-05:00

So, I actually made it outside today for a whole 2 hours before the fever came back. I'm not coughing as much or as deeply and all in all I think I'm past the worst of it.

Which is good.

The university is hosting an 8 week health education seminar and I signed up for it. As part of the seminar, the leader (jen) is offering one-on-one exercise training on Thursdays. I went to the first seminar meeting last week and she gave us forms to fill out and took our weight & measurements. I wrote on my form that I joined because I wanted to meet some people and because I've always to run, but I don't know how to start running without hurting myself (I'm especially worried about my knees and ankles). I didn't think I COULD run at my weight, but Jen assures me that we can find a pace and get me running this coming Thursday. I'm very excited about that.

I'm also doing a no-complaint challenge. It's something I've heard a lot about recently, so I thought I'd give it a try. You wear a bracelet or a rubber band on your wrist and every time you catch yourself complaining, gossiping or using sarcasm, you switch it to the other wrist. The goal is to go 21 days without having to move the bracelet. So far, I can't go three hours without having to move the bracelet. It's making me very aware of how much I complain about little things that don't really matter much.

And other than being on 5 cold medicines, that's what's been going on here.

sick

2009-02-11T11:50:00.001-05:00

I know I haven't posted in a week or so, but that's cos I got sick. I have a cold that's threatening to become broncitis (or however that's spelled).

I'll be back when I can sit up for more than 20 minutes.

Listening to the inner plea for fun

2009-02-05T11:29:00.002-05:00

I went to the library at 7 am this morning. For two hours, I did nothing. I watched news at cnn.com, I watched the President give a speech at the National Prayer Breakfast, I played sudoku online.

And
all the while thoughts kept going through my head of how much I didn't
want to be there, how much I wanted to play, how bored I was, how I
wanted to be at home.

As much as procrastination must be fought, it's also important to listen to your thoughts and honor what they're telling you.

I
have been going since Saturday. I got all my homework done for this
week, went to all three of my 3-hour classes and have made it to every
appointment.

My thoughts this morning were my brain's way of telling me I need to take a break.

I
take the master's exam March 20 -- and studying for that exam is a
priority. I have a set amount of studying for the exam that I need to
do every week. Whether or not I do that work today, tomorrow and
Saturday or tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday doesn't really matter. The
finish line is where it is, all that really matters is how I get there.
Personally, I'd rather arrive relaxed not frazzled, calm not stressed
and excited not worn down.

So I'm playing today. I'm gonna color and knit and read some fun books and let my brain and my body rejuvenate.

Living in the gray areas

2009-01-31T17:39:00.003-05:00

I've been wandering around online into various self-help and spiritual forms/boards/blogs for a while now and I can't help but notice this weird argument that exists in such places.

The argument says that I have a choice. I can be fluffy and wear rose colored glasses and believe in magic or I can be realistic.

The basis for the argument is that these two are at opposite ends on the continum of and neither the two can meet.

I reject the idea that there is no middle ground.

Why can't I blend both? Why can't I be realistic AND optomistic? Why when we acknowlege the so-called "facts" do we have to paint them in the most miserable light possible?

I can accept dinosaurs and creationism, after all. I find this most often in the news. We're in the worst depression since the 1930s and we're all going to Hell and fast. We're broke and broken and there is nothing good going on in the world.

Bullshit.

Fluffy-minded optimism doesn't mean I ignore the negative, it just means I also acknowledge that this is temporary. Yes, it may take us a decade to get out of this, but it's just a decade, every year of which (if The Man does his job right, which I think he will) we'll crawl just a little bit more out of this hole that greed dug.

Why does it have to be so all or nothing? Why are people so uncomfortable with gray areas? Why can't we acknowlege the bad without concluding it's the end of the world?

Why can't I be realistic and positive?

In personal matters, it means you're either entirely too trusting and naive or you're a hard ass.

I choose to be both.

I like being fluffy and I like my rose colored glasses, but it doesn't mean you can put one over on me.

I just think the world would be better off if we stopped accepting the hard line dicotomies we've created.

Be gone vile doubt!

2009-01-31T14:39:00.002-05:00

So as part of this new thing where I believe in the power of intention and manifest all the things I really want, I have had to eliminate an old friend from my repitore of thoughts. No more can I afford the luxury of doubting myself (or the world, or the future, or Weedle's ability to surprise me)

This has been an interesting mental shift.

First, I thought that if I eliminated doubt I would become one of those totally unrealistic people who can't admit/see/deal with a bad situation.

Then, I realized there's nothing wrong with that.

Then, I realized if I give up doubting my own abilities, then I unlock the power of being able to love myself for who and what I am.

No more would I say, "I love myself, except for..."

Instead, whenever I have a doubtful thought (which are usually based in fear anyway), I shake my head until that sentence falls out of my ear (and I visually imagine that happening) and I replace it with something wonder.

For example, What if I don't pass the master's exam and can't graduate and can't renew my lease and the world ends?

*Shakes head*

Replaced thought: I can't wait for the master's exam when I truly get a chance to show my smarts!

See how that works?

Try it.

Next time you're attacked by the vile fiend, doubt and his bff fear, decide to look on the bright side.

You'll be amazed at the results.

Blather

2009-01-30T05:47:00.003-05:00

Even though I've already done my vision board, I got Christine Kane's (http://christinekane.com/blog/) new ebook about it, just in case there was anything I missed (if you want it, just cut and paste the link, it's free from her site). I've just started reading it and already she's said some things that have me slapping my forehead.

"Plain and simple, I just got tired of the unhappiness that cynicism creates."

***

I overheard a woman in Panera Bread the other day telling her friend, "People don't change." It was a statement. A point of fact.

And it really pissed me off. Not at her, specifically, but at this idea that we shouldn't believe in the power of others to change themselves because no one really wants to change. It was the cynicism, the negativity, the lack of hope, of belief in others that really bothered me.

Because I have changed. It took 20 years of therapy, hospitals, meds, and more avenues of treatement than I can count, but I am decidedly not the same person I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 6 months ago.

And I'm not done. In another decade, I won't be this woman anymore. I'll have learned from the intervening experiences and grown and continued on this singular voyage I can call my own path, my own life.

I am insulted by "people don't change." The blanket stereotype that everybody's miserable and everybody hurts everybody and everybody likes it that way just doesn't work for me.

The reason for that is because I choose otherwise.

***

About a year and half ago, I was driving with a friend and a truck cut me off. My friend was surprised because I didn't blow my horn or flip the guy off, my only response was to slow down.

Hey, maybe the person driving the truck was late, maybe they were having a bad day, maybe they were lost in thoughts and didn't realize we were almost to the turn they needed, maybe they just got in a fight and they were storming over the disagreement and took it out on the road.

I don't know. What I do know is that I have bad days and times when I'm not paying attention and every accident I've ever been in was my fault, so hey, I cut people some slack.

***

Now, I'm not saying no cynicism ever. There's a place for it. I don't believe I can earn 10,000 a day stuffing envelopes. I don't believe I can have bigger breasts overnight. I don't believe a panty liner will give me self-confidence.

But when it comes to having faith in human beings, I choose to believe anything is possible. People can and do change. People can and do help each other. People can and do forgive and nurture and value each other.

There's an old religious argument between whether humans are essentially good or essentially bad. I have no thoughts to contribute to the debate, but what I do know is that you tend to find what you believe, if only because it's all you're willing to see.

And if the choice is between rose colored glasses and living in a world of shit, I'll make the appointment with the opthamologist today.

Joy Rebel? SURE!

2009-01-28T05:57:00.002-05:00

Dandelion Seeds posted about being a joy rebel. About being wonderfully YOU at all times.

I lived in that miserable space for decades and the ability to allow myself to feel joy -- real the-hills-are-alive-with-the-sound-of-music joy is amazing. Even when I get grumpy, even when I get pissed off, there's this undercurrent of joy that I still feel.

I LOVE being a joy rebel. I LOVE going to very busy, stressed out store clerks and being way super nice to them. I LOVE smiling at the students on campus while I overhear them suffering on the cell phones. I LOVE being super excited about practically everything just because I can be. Maybe it's the endophines from working out for an hour everyday (which if it is, bring it on!), but I feel amazing. Divinity shines from my belly button and I feel deeply satiated while still knowing there's so much I want to do.

It's remarkable and powerful and beautiful, and (and this is the tricky part) so am I.

Update

2009-01-28T05:30:00.003-05:00

The no trash day was a no go. I realized about half way through the day that I mistakenly scheduled it for the same day I got my overage check from the university -- and I had things I needed and stuff I wanted and you can't buy anything and NOT create trash.

So I will do it again. Let's aim for next Monday, the 2nd of March.

I woke up at 5 am this morning. Naturally. Considering I fell asleep about midnight, I'm a little surprised at that.

Because I'm up, I'm gonna go swimming at 7. I squeezed myself into my swimsuit, and it's still comfortable (I'm wearing it right now), so I think swimming is a go.

I've had a couple of my classes -- they look good. I'm going to be busy this semester. Busy busy busy. But it's all good. I already know that I'm doing a research paper on the Cold War and masculinity, but that's not due until May so no big rush there. I'm supposed to have my third class today, but our professor lives an hour away and we're supposed to get 4-6 inches of snow today and sleet later on this afternoon, so we'll see if she makes it in (I think she will).

On a sadder note, I have a couple relatives in the hospital. My aunt is in fifth stage renal failure, has been hanging on through sheer force of will for a while now, but has developed pneumonia and it doesn't look good. And my grandfather has been in the hospital for a week because his demensia is so bad no one can handle him. So prayers for my family would be appreciated. I fell asleep doing metta meditation for them last night, but my mom didn't call in the middle of the night, so I'm pretty sure there haven't been any major developments. Keep us in your prayers.

To not create trash

2009-01-23T14:53:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about the eco-challenge (That's Monday, ya'll) and trying to figure out ways to avoid making trash.

I want to go for one whole day without making any trash -- and for me that includes recyclables. That's harder than you might think. How do you make dinner without creating trash/recyclables? No canned food. No boxed food. No plastic bags or wrappers.

So nothing that comes in a container. That leaves fruits and veggies, basically.

It's interesting to me that eating healthy and saving the planet mesh into the same thing at some point.

I loves me some Obama

2009-01-20T22:21:00.005-05:00

The inaugaration speech:

We all been fucking up.

Enough.

Moving on now.

I love how he holds people accountable for fucking up while at the same time he's respectful and gracious.

I love how he inspires me to be a better person, in my private life, but more so in my public one.

I love how he makes me feel that patriotism can be a good thing. It can be about gratitude for the opportunities I've had (still have) and the pride of humanity.

I love that he wants to be secure while holding onto the ideals of our founding fathers. I hope that means an end to Gitmo.

I love that he's very human and down to earth -- that he sees himself not only as the leader of the free world, but as ONE OF the people. A man with a job, with a family, with a mission.

I love that I feel we actually have a LEADER again, instead of a dictator.

I loved watching the ceremony today.

I love that I loved being an American today.

----

I couldn't sleep last night until really late, so when my mom called at 10 or so, I was still in bed. I got up, watched the inaugaration and was so inspired and fired up, I had my most amazing work out ever. I rode the bike vigorously for 50 minutes. It was intense. I was whipped when I was done. I took a shower, had lunch and crashed for hours. I only woke up because someone's car alarm went off.

I'm still exhausted, my legs are sore, but I'm happy and relaxed and still loving the joy of having a President I believe in.

Eco-Challenge

2009-01-18T16:40:00.002-05:00

I read this in a magazine and I'm so inspired by it, I'm challenging all of you to try it, too.

For one day, don't throw anything away.

It's that simple. Use reusable bags at the grocery store, take your lunch in a reusable package, bring your own resuable water bottle. Make dinner without throwing away any packaging. Don't throw away any gum wrappers or papers you wrote notes on.

For one day, don't throw anything away.

I have officially set the challenge for Monday, Jan. 26. That gives you (and me) a whole week to plan how to avoid trash.

So start thinking (this may prove more difficult than you think) and for that one day, add nothing to the trash heap taking over our world.

Day by Day

2009-01-16T14:24:00.002-05:00

It's all part of blooming. Getting enough rest, drinking nearly two gallons of water everyday, working out for an hour a day (in two or three 20 or 30 minute intervals) eating basically fruits, veggies, nuts and the occassional small piece of meat is all part of the day to day creation of how I bloom.

I'm working on a couple vision boards for the next six month, trying to set my intention for the move and getting a job and finding an apartment. I've never done a vision board before though so it's going a little slowly. I have a clear idea of what I want for my life; I'm just not sure how to represent that on the board.

I think part of the problem is that I'm so focused on the now I'm having trouble setting my intention for the future. Normally, when I decide on a project, I like to get to work and accomplish the task, but I may have to let this one be a work in progress for a while, realizing the future with little steps everyday.

Proof of the Sun

2009-01-11T09:52:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, Wisconsin to Washington D.C. and north to NYC were living under gray skies and thick snow. We got some here -- maybe half a foot or so -- and coming home last night from the airport was difficult to say the least. We nearly got hit twice because either we slid or another car almost slid into us.

But I have proof there was a sun out yesterday. You just had to go to 30,000 feet to find it.

(check out those clouds!)

Vacation is a verb

2009-01-08T19:38:00.002-05:00

Okay, so the holiday roundup -- I saw almost everybody (H was a little swamped and despite several tries, we were unable to connect). I sent home 4 boxes of presents today (okay, family is a little gift excessive). I ate pretty good, drank lots of water, lost at least 5 pounds. I saw Marley & Me (heartbreaking but funny).

I'm no longer sleeping well in beds that aren't mine. I miss my cats. I'm ready to be home.

Tomorrow, I'm spending the night with another friend and she's gonna take me to the airport Saturday morning. I've been intending a safe and uneventful trip home.

See you on the other side.

Home in a week

2009-01-04T13:15:00.002-05:00

Back at mom's after spending a week with my dad and stepmom and a few days with my friend D.

I got hit with a flu like thing at D's. It's a mild flu -- I only vomitted once and then slept nearly 24 hours and now I'm achy, but not totally achy. Mostly I think I'm sore because I slept so much.

Until that hit I was doing really well. had a good talk with my stepmom, went for a bunch of walks, spent new year's eve bowling and laughing and hung out with everybody. It was fun.

And now I'm here, taking it easy. I think the most amazing thing I'm going to do today is shower. maybe.

Can Reindeer fly in storms?

2008-12-23T22:41:00.003-05:00

I'm north of Chicago by a few hours, getting slammed by the same storm that shut down O'Hare. I'm supposed to travel an hour and half southwest tomorrow to spend Christmas with family #2.

We had a really nice celebration here with family #1. My mom made homemade lasagna, and we gave my nieces their big gifts. They were really happy with their presents and it was fun watching them open them.

I got some great stuff -- some books from my childhood and some things my mom handmade, including pillows a cool wall hanging and
mittens she sewed from recycled wool sweaters. My sister gave me unbreakable ornaments (hello kitties), a plaque about love and a really cool book about "wonderful wacky women."

The grandkitties got gifts from grandma and grandpa, too -- homemade catnip toys they're gonna go crazy for.

It's been a wonderful visit. Now, if the weather cooperates, I'm off to my dad's for a week. I'll be out of touch until the 2009 so pray I make it tomorrow and have a joyous holiday!

Joy to the Tree

2008-12-23T16:49:00.003-05:00

Mr. Whiskers loves the Christmas tree because the lights make it warm and the tree skirt makes it comfie.

This is his Christmas Joy.

Happy Happy Holidaze

2008-12-23T14:03:00.002-05:00

It's almost Christmas here. Friends to this blog are getting engaged and giving birth, friends out there in the real world are pregnant and healthy after cancer, and coming into their own. Even though the world is violent and dangerous and there's so much trouble all around us -- financially and otherwise -- my online and real world friends seem surrounded in good news.

This space that is me feels full of potential, pregnant with purpose. I feel ready to burst, walk around most days half terrified of and half jubulant over the possiblity of this next year's growth. I've been feeling shifting in my soul from brokeness into wholeness, from sick into health, from crazed into sanity ever since I started EMDR.

As the new year blooms, so do I.

No more waiting.

Blooming into me

2008-12-21T19:53:00.002-05:00

I have changed the title of this blog (though not the address) because Little Bits of Joy is not acceptable anymore. I want more.

I intend more than just little bits of joy, love, compassion. I intend to have great juicy bites out of happiness pie, so little bits doesn't quite cut it anymore.

Fill In the Blank

2008-12-18T22:14:00.003-05:00

Finding divinity means taking responsbility. The following sentence is my favorite lesson from The Red Book tonight.

Repeat after me: I am the only reason my life is (wonderful/sucky/amazing/boring/shitty, etc) right now.

Oh yes

2008-12-18T22:04:00.004-05:00

I started reading The Red Book today. Oh my (yes) God. This is going to be amazing.

It's going to be one of those books where I read, stop, journal, read, stop, journal.

I have a pretty good concept of my god. She's fierce, fiesty and formidable. She's a cross between Tyler Perry's Madea and the Mother of the Matrix. Wise and funny, she kicks my ass on a regular basis if only because then she gets to rub my tummy and kiss my eyelids and love on me all over.

Tonight, as I read and wrote out my intentions, I discovered a realization, revealed to me the way the waves pull back the sand on the beach. Usually, I go TO God.

This journey is about becoming her.

(and then from deep in my soul, she nodded, smiled and said, "there you go.")

holiday traditions

2008-12-18T17:03:00.002-05:00

Coats and boots, fuzzy hats and mittens, a saw and field of Christmas trees. We tromped through the snow, which at times was as deep as our knees and covered a layer of ice. We sized up tree after tree. This one's too small. That one's too tall. The ends of the branches are dead. It's not blue enough.

Finally, we found one that seemed, like baby bear's bed, just right. I had about a 6" base and some dead leaves on the bottom, but we brought it home anyway.

Tonight, we're going to watch the snow storm move in (we're supposed to get up to 8 inches of snow) and decorate the tree.

Now it's Christmas.

Shifting

2008-12-18T10:55:00.002-05:00

We've had some serious family drama here this past week. I was called on Saturday to be warned that on Tuesday I would be flying into "the war." I tried something new this time. Reacted differently. Stayed out of the fray. Treated my family with compassion. and out of that, love. I didn't take sides. I didn't judge or correct. I allowed my family members to be who they are and feel whatever they felt without telling them they were wrong. After all, feelings may not be based on true information, but they are always valid.

And while I wasn't so successful at diffusing the situation, I felt differently. I saw my family members through their flaws, to their needs and for those needs I have love and compassion. It hurt me to see them hurting.

Detaching what I thought about this or that made it easier to just allow the love I have for these people to arise in me.

I've realized the journey is not so much about finding the divine as it is remembering it. Epiphany Girl wrote in her blog that she was thinking we became human so we could learn to be more divine.

I'm thinking today that process must be about compassion. My friend the space cowgirl said that love and joy are so connected that to have one is to have the other. I agree with that but I also think it's more complicated. Love=compassion. If you have compassion, you create love. Love is joy and joy is that moment when you find yourself at one with divine.

Compassion is the key to this miraculous process that leads to wholeness and pink sparkly light filling you from toenails to fingertips to hair follicles.

Home

2008-12-16T18:30:00.001-05:00

Just a quick post to let you know I made it to my holiday destination. My flights only ran about 10 minutes behind and on the second leg of my journey I had a whole row all to myself!

Yay Me!

2008-12-12T22:50:00.002-05:00

One of the classes I'm in is called Research Seminar. Basically, we write a research paper and present our findings at a departmental conference at the end the semester. The conference was today and this is part of the email our professor sent out tonight:

for future reference: when presenting at a conference, try to match your delivery style to your composure. that is, watch both your speed and your "wiggles". i wish more of you had been able to see savannah. she had a great delivery style. she was measured in speed, used great emphasis and was expressive. great job!