Living in harmony with your beliefs

As part of my dedication to compassionate living, I am learning to live in harmony with creatures that I would usually find icky and terrifying.

In a words, Spiders.

I am really scared of spiders. It's almost a phobia. My worst nightmare is being covered with spiders crawling all over me.

Yes, I know I'm bigger than the spider. Yes, I know, he's more afraid of me.

I always had the rule that they could live as long they didn't do it in my home. But this apartment has 10 ft ceilings and sometimes when I spot the little suckers, I couldn't reach them even if I wanted to kill them.

So I've adapted a live and let live policy. I talk to them. I explain to them that this is my house and I thank for visiting, but now they have to go. I say, "I don't want to kill you, but I don't want to see you either."

There's one spider living on the ceiling above my bed. He's medium sized. There's another one whose built the most ornate web on my window in the extra bedroom. He's all brown and creepy legs. I tried to open the window and shoo him out, but I ended up knocking him down, and then he crawled away to parts unknown.

It's still unsettling that he could be living and roaming through my apartment. I try not to think about it.

So, it turns out that living a compassion life takes courage. Not courage to stand up for your beliefs, but courage to face your fears.

It's a lesson I struggle with every night as I lie in bed and watch Philip (I named him) crawl across the ceiling. I'm trusting that he will not decide to come sliding down from the ceiling and crawl across my face at night.

*Big deep breath*


So far I haven't noticed any spider bites, so it must be working, but damn it's hard.

Nano: Day 13

I broke 30,000 words today (that's 54 single spaced pages)

This story was/is ready to be born and I've spent November in protracted, if not horrendously painful, labor.

I wake and I write. And then I feed myself whatever is convenient and will allow me to continue typing -- usually something chocolately or salty (I've had popcorn for brekkie for the last three days)

I shower irregularly, usually when I hit a wall and I spend my time in the shower thinking of the ways to break through said wall (Oh and getting clean).

I drink WAY too much caffeine to stimulate the thinking cells.

I sleep when the caffeine wears off and I crash.

Wake and repeat for the past 13 days.

I keep threatening to make myself a big pot of soup, but so far it hasn't happened. My house is clean though. I did manage to get that done when I was having a little writer's block.

I will return to normal whenever my characters tell me I can stop.

Nano part II

The nano write in went very well.

There were about 20 people there. And I wrote and wrote, which was very cool!! The ideas on the Nano site for breaking through my writer's block totally worked!

So that was cool.

Plus, actually meeting real live human beings. How fun!

And i think I wrote about 1500 words. I don't have a laptop, so I have to write everything out manually. What that means is that when I do type it in, which I'm gonna do tonight, I should have about 3,000 words. Won't that be cool?!?!

I should manage to have 15-20k words by the end of the weekend. I'm so excited that I'm actually doing this I can't begin to tell you. I write everyday, whether I feel the urge or not, and it's actually working.

It is so cool. I've wanted to do Nano for years, but I've been so intimidated -- 50k words seems like so much, but I'm doing it and it rocks.

It's so much fun. I don't have an illusions of grandeur; I don't think about publishing; I don't worry if it's good or not. I just write and I love that I'm writing.

How things are

Life is good.

Nanowrimo goes well. I have almost 9,000 words -- so almost 1/5 of the way there. I had some writer's block yesterday and the day before and barely managed to punch out 2000 words total (when I should be doing that much/day) but I did some reading on the Nano website and I think I've found some ways to punch through the wall.

This afternoon I'm going to write in at one of the local libraries. Whoo, people! I'm very excited about that.

I talked to Weedie's vet yesterday and she concurs that he probably had some kind of mini-stroke or seizure type episode. But he continues to improve. He's currently sitting on the couch in his former favorite spot, which is a big bonus because until today, he wouldn't even get on the couch. He's still a little leery about the comfie chair, but all in good time.

The museum called this week and they're gonna bring me in either next week or the week after. I told them I'd be gone over T-giving, so they're gonna try to get me in before then.

The job hunt goes nowhere. Nobody hires this time of year. I'm looking but there's really nothing.

And meanwhile Christmas barrels down upon us. I think I have everybody's gifts figured out. The good news, I don't have to buy that much as I'm making a lot of them from scratch. So, a good inexpensive holiday!

And that's how things are here.

:)

Nanowrimo

Nanowrimo (national novel writing month) is a challenge held every November for writers all over the world. The challenge is to write 50,000 words (about 175 pages) in one month. Lots of people take on the challenge, about 10 percent actually finish. The challenge is mostly for fun and bragging rights. If you succeed in writing the 50,000 words, you name gets posted on the winner's page on the website and they direct you to a site where you can print off your winner's certificate. Oh, and you have a nearly finished product at the end that may have the possibility of being published.

I've never done Nano; I've always been too intimidated. But I woke up dreaming in plot this morning. A story idea I've been kicking around all summer. So, I figured what the heck and decided I'd try to write it this November.

I signed up for Nano this morning. My username is SavannahFaith (so if you're doing it, too, add me as your buddy).

The challenge is really to write everyday. In order to make the 50,000 words, you really have to write about 2,000 words a day. So that's my goal.

I ask that all of you keep on me about this. If you talk to me in November, ask me how it's going. Ask me for my word count. Ask me if I've written yet today.

Keep me on track.

The line between defence and attack

My anger-fu is working pretty intensely these days, I even mouthed off to my friend, D (but i maintain I was provoked ;D). it's weird. It's like the more I investigate spirituality, the more I learn about the self and the ego-identification that creates it, the more little shit starts pissing me off. It's supposed to start sliding by me, being challenged, being annoyed. Compassion is supposed to emanate from my core and fill me with peace.

But really, I'm shorter with people, more ready to attack, more unwilling to compromise.

It's difficult because it makes me wonder what the point of all this meditation is if I'm LESS peaceful. But at the same time I'm trying to see it as transitionary, the self's fighting to maintain it's superiority and importance.

I just have to keep reminding myself that i am not my anger. I am not my thoughts. They have no meaning beyond what I ascribe to them and how I choose to express them.

It's tough though.

On the other hand, for most of my life I've been afraid of confrontation. I will back down and say nothing and let people win. And lately, that just hasn't been the case.

I need to find a balance between the two.

A Rune Reading

A friend pulled a Rune for me, this is what I got:

The rune I pulled for you is - Gebo.
Gebo represents the coming of gifts and favors. While each are usually positive events, they often carry obligations with them. Gebo often represents strong bonds such as deep friendships and marriage. A gift will be given, or possibly a marriage proposal or an opportunity to put forward such a proposal is on its way. A generous, bountiful person who wishes to enrich one's life, romantically or materially. A divine gift, the gift of life or of balance. It is important that all parties remain equitable when the gift is given, or that balance which is so important to relationships may be endangered. On another level, the rune of Gebo may represent sexual union.

very cool...

Beauty everywhere

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm reading Autobiography of a Yogi and it is having a profound effect on me. When i read it, I get all floaty and then ideas just start popping in my head and they're big ideas that just blow me away.

It's all about connection and separation. I don't know much about it, but there is a conception of life as a tree -- the Tree of Life. And that's working for me right now. We are leaves on the Tree of Life, individual yet connected to the whole, to each other, to all life on the planet, to creation, to the vibration of the Infinite.

I close my eyes and I meditate and this core of loving compassion swells within me. I go for a walk and marvel at the trees and the squirrel and the dogs and the mailman who walks past.

I am beaming with joy inside and out.

And yet separate. Individual. Filled with my own humanity, with my own fear and doubt and insecurity.

But that fades away in the realization that I Am Perfect. That we all are. That there are no flaws; that the conception of flaws is a social construct created by men and women. For the love that flows through the Infinite everything is perfect.

I've recently made some changes for my health, as a result, I'm losing weight. Slowly. About a pound a week, but I am losing weight. And I feel better about my body. I FEEL BETTER, just in general because I'm not ingesting synthetic chemicals and animal fats and proteins.

And then I read and am smacked upside the head with the wisdom that that is irrelevant in eyes of God, of love, of attachment to the Universe.

My body -- for which I have had a difficult, painful and shifting relationship -- is a vessel of the Infinite. How we treat ourselves is a reflection of our gratitude and humility at being offered such a gift as to be born human. How we treat ourselves is an echo of our love, of our connection to the source, of our understanding of our innate divinity.

I stood before a mirror yesterday, naked as I was born and marvelled at this body. This body, which currently weighs 266 pounds. This body which men and women would tell me is ugly. This body which has carried me through sexual abuse, torture and the self-inflicted wounds wrought from such pain and fear.

This body is miraculous. My heart has pounded every second of my life. I have breathed for every moment. Inside blood moves, electricity fires, chemicals are released and absorbed. The web of lines on my palm are unlike yours, unlike any one else's.

We are spiritual creatures having a human existence. We are spirit made flesh and ego. Personal experience, individual paths, combine to the whole, making the pattern more rich, more vibrant, more glorious.

In the end, love, made stronger by pain, overcomes all and on it flows, creation, destruction, birth, death, love, fear...

Whole.

It's so beautiful.

This is the in between time

The time between theory and practice. The time between ego and selflessness. The time between fear and love. The time between knowledge and wisdom.

This is planting season, strange that it comes during Fall, harvest time. Yet, as one cycle ends, another is started. Beginnings out of endings, compassion out of pain, love from fear.


What is greatness without humility? What is passion without serenity? What is love without experience? What is darkness without light?

I, me, my... the path widens into us, we, our. This is the time before that. The time of preparation.

Blessed be.