Growing Up

This is a long one. Sorry. Lots to say.

I have finished reading "7 Tools to Beat Addiction" and have been doing taking good care of myself and meeting my goals (daily and weekly) for ten days. I am running. I am eating healthy. I am organizing my move and taking care of my responsibilities.

There are a lot of changes occurring both inside and out. According to the book, overcoming an addiction requires living with your values, using your resources, utilizing what motivates you, setting up simple rewards for yourself, gathering and utilizing your support, maturing and setting higher goals (including involving yourself in your community and creating a larger network of nonaddicts with whom to involve yourself).

I'm focusing on maturity right now. Realizing I have a responsibility to myself is an epiphany that has created an internal paradigm shift. It is affecting all areas of my life. Whether or not I clean the litter. What I eat. How I choose to interact with my friends and family. What time I go to bed. Whether I go running. Whether or not I brush my teeth before bed. How I think about my future. What short-term and long-term goals I set. How I spend my free time.

One of the things Peele talks about in the book is responsibility. In most traditional addiction recovery (regardless of the addiction) there exists the belief -- both explicitly and implicitly expressed -- that the substance or experience is so powerful that you cannot resist it. We tell kids that if they do drugs once they'll become hopelessly addiction. We publish articles explaining how addiction is genetic and therefore we have no choice; we are predestined to become addicts. We excuse our behavior; we lay the blame for our problems on the substance, on our chemical makeup, on society at large, on anyone but ourselves. Twelve step programs insist that addicts "surrender their lives and will" to a "higher power" -- insisting that the addict herself or himself is incapable of recovering on her or his own.

For example: Food.

After finishing reading my addiction book last night, I picked up another book about overeating that I had purchased a while ago. The first section of the book talks about the chemical changes that happen in the brain when you eat sugar, fat and salt. Dopamine is released in greater amounts for a sustained period of time if you regularly eat foods high in sugar, fat and salt.

I do not doubt the science of that argument. However, the author goes on to say that people cannot resist their food cravings because of these chemical changes.

Translation: It's not your fault you overeat, you are the victim of chemistry.

And to that a profound, BOLLOCKS!

What Peele advocates is that we always have a choice. We are responsible for our actions. Sugar, fat and salt may work on the brain in powerful ways, but Twinkies don't jump into your mouth. You actually have to buy a Twinkie, unwrap it, put it in your mouth, chew it and swallow it before those chemical changes take place. At any point in that process, you have the option of saying, "You know, I don't really want this Twinkie."

The same is true of any addiction. Everybody eats, but not everyone is addicted to food. Therefore, there is something different about those of us who do indulge in addiction. The traditional wisdom will tell you have a biological and genetic predetermined tendency to become addicted, but that is just an excuse that removes your actions from the equation.

Why was I addicted to food?

Because I was irresponsible and immature. I did not take responsibility for my health and fitness. I was selfish, self-involved, childishly seeking a way to avoid all forms of stress forever. I took everything personally because I thought everything was about me. Addiction was a symptom of my stunted maturation process.

And so becoming a nonaddict means taking responsibility for my life, my choices, my actions in a way I have never perceived before.

As part of this, I have had to recognize some negatives about myself -- not to beat myself up, but to recognize them, analyze and evaluate them, so that I may change them.

First, I am, judgmental. Second, there is a part of me that likes drama. Thirdly, I can be very self-righteous and arrogant.

Put all three of these flaws together and what you have is my relationship with my sister.

My sister and I disagree about almost everything. We're very different people. She doesn't agree with much I do and vice versa. Our main point of contention: how she raises my nieces.

Now, by rights you'd be saying, "Hey those aren't your kids, you have no right to tell her how to raise them."

And you would not be wrong, but I have always interfered because I self-righteously believed it was in the best interest of those girls for me to do so.

My sister responds to my interference in some pretty predictable ways, at which point I then blame her for being a drama queen.

Immaturity insists that I must become involved because I'm right and when you're right you get to do whatever you want. And the more I insist I'm right, the more my sister pulls away and does the exact opposite (just to prove I'm wrong). Then there are the arguments -- intense, heated, passionate fights with lots of screaming and crying and the saying of awful, hateful things to each other. Then we don't talk for a year.

But now that I am reviewing my behavior within the context of this paradigm shift, I have to admit that as much as I protest against it, part of me likes the drama. It's familiar. It's what I grew up with. It's comfortable. I know the pattern of it. Plus, it's passionate and I feel righteous and vindicated and powerful when I'm steadfastly holding onto my beliefs and my opinions and my judgments. It's easy -- I don't have to entertain the notion that she's doing what's best for herself. I don't have to entertain the notion that she's fully capable of making her own decisions. I don't have to entertain the notion that she has the right to be wrong, to make her own mistakes, to find her own way through parenting. I don't have to be tolerant. I don't have to be mature. I don't have to pay attention to my faults -- I can focus on hers instead.

In the midst of these disagreements, I argue for my nieces, but it isn't about them. It's about making me feel better than my sister. It's about me.

Addiction is a study in contradiction. It means trying to control everything while being totally out of control. It means you are totally self-involved while simultaneously ignoring the effect your behavior has on others. Because you're the "victim" of your addiction, nothing is your fault and conversely, nothing you do, say, think or believe is your responsibility.

Maturity means understanding your impact. It means being involved with your beliefs, thoughts, words and actions to the degree that you slow down enough to interact with yourself, your environment, your friends and family in a way that is in line with your values.

What I eat, how I interact with my family, whether or not I go running tomorrow -- these are choices I make that are not based on genetic predetermination or biological imperatives. Twelve step programs insist that you admit you are powerless over your addiction when reality is the exact opposite. I have complete power over every aspect of myself.

And it's my responsibility to ensure that I engage positively with that power.

My new friend K

You may have noticed reference to my friend K. Just thought I'd give you the lowdown in case you were wondering.

She and I met in school -- she's in my program and we had a few classes together. She's very funny and has about a million jokes, comes up with the most hilarious stuff off the top of her head.

Yesterday we went to a Fourth of July carnival/fair type celebration. We wandered around, looking at hand-crafted jewelry and the usual flea market type stuff (funky sunglasses and baseball caps). We played a ring toss game and I won a bottle of water. Then we went and sat on a swinging bench and watched the kids play on a playground. K has this wonderful child-like joy in her. It's so fun. When we went walking through the nature preserve, we took great fun in stomping in the squishy mud. Yesterday, while sitting on the bench, we found shapes in the clouds. I haven't done stuff like that for years. It's very refreshing.

K is also very crafty and she notices things I never pay attention to. She's always stopping to pick something up (totally believes in "found" items and usually carries several miscellaneous things around in her pockets (yesterday is was bits of melted beer bottles she found on the beach a while back)).

While we were sitting on the bench yesterday, we talking about the fair food. We could smell something and couldn't quite figure out what it was and then we realized it was the funnel cakes. And K says that funnel cakes always frightened her a bit. And I said, it's just fried dough. And she said, yeah, I know it's just free-formed doughnut (pause) It's post-modern doughnut!

I'm still laughing over that one.

So it figures that just when I'm ready to leave, I finally make a friend!

Running and stuff

* I finished my first week running yesterday and finally, FINALLY, found my pace. I could run the whole two minutes without wanting to pass out. I'm really slow, but right now breathing is more important than speed. My lungs are still in recovery mode smoking (even though I quit 4.5 years ago), so this is taking some time. The run yesterday was pretty comfortable and even fun, and it didn't take me but a minute and a half to catch my breath after each segment (I run for 2 minutes, walk for 4 and repeat four times). The running schedule I'm following says I need to increase next week to running 3 minutes, walking 3 minutes, but I don't think I'm ready for that. So I'm staying at 2/4 again next week.

* K and I went to the First Friday art walk last night. It was cool. One of the galleries had these really awesome metal sculptures. It was really neat. This afternoon we're going to a craft show, which I'm totally excited about. LOVE craft shows.

*I have people to help me load my pods here and unload them on the other end! I had to use Craigslist to find people on the other end and after wading through about 5 responses from jerks who didn't think I am offering enough $$, I got about 5 people who offered to help. SO I'm good.

* I can't believe I move in 11 days!!

Things in my head

* I went running this morning. In the rain. Total downpour the entire time I was out there, which was actually quite fun and made me feel like a kid playing in the rain. In my running book, the author talks about running in inclement weather, for rain she says you just need a ballcap to keep it out of your face and she was right!

*I move in 13 days. I have the pods coming and last night, some guys called about the signs I put up, so I have people to load the pods for me!

*I spent yesterday afternoon with K. We went tromping through the nature preserve and then to this tea shop and then we wandered around Staples for about two hours. Oh, how I love office supplies. We had a good time. When we were in staples, she said, "Why didn't we start hanging out a year ago?" and I told her it was because we were too busy with school (which is the truth) but it's also kind of a shame that we're just now getting to know each other cos I'm leaving. But as she said, "Cleveland isn't that far!"

*Funny joke K told me:

What do you call a blind deer?















Answer: no eyed deer

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?















Answer: still no eyed deer

HAHAHAHA She's got a million stupid jokes like that. I love 'em.

*I continue to eat well. Last Thursday I made three goals for this week and I have almost reached all of them. After I go running tomorrow, I get my weekly reward. According to all the reading I'm doing, rewards are important. I put a $10 limit on weekly rewards (and usually, they won't even cost that much). So, tomorrow I get to go to Target and buy my new lunch tote. I need one so I can take my food to work with me when I get a job, but also this one is really cute and I want it.

*I had a hard day on the track this morning. My body was just slow and sluggish and I kept losing my breath. It happens when you work out, one day for no reason, the workout is just hard, regardless of how much sleep you got or how much energy you had the day before. I think tromping a mile and half through the woods yesterday was part of it -- because yesterday was supposed to be a day off and my body was just telling me the whole workout that it's just not ready to exercise everyday.

*in light of that, and the fact that I'm scheduled to run again tomorrow, I'm doing nothing today. I'm just gonna lie around and read and let my body rest.

Blooming

I haven't forgotten that my word this year was/is "bloom." I did my intention/vision boards this January and they are all starting to come to fruition.

I signed the lease for my apartment in Cleveland on Friday. When I was looking at the vision board I made of my apartment, there are definite features in the pictures I chose that showed up in the apartment. The only thing I wanted that I didn't get in this apartment was a washer/dryer, but there is a laundry room in the building and that's a big improvement over the laundromat. I'm moving mid-July and I can't wait!! (I still have lots of packing to do, though...)

The job is still in wait mode. I sent a follow up letter on Saturday and am hoping to hear from them this week. That company matches my vision board almost to the T. It's unbelievable how perfect it is. I continue to keep my fingers crossed.

The other vision board I did was on fitness. I have always wanted to run, have been flirting with it all spring. When I was in Michigan, my good friend HC got me this book called, "Running for Women," and in it she teaches beginning women runners how to run, how to stay safe, how to breathe and what to wear. It's great. I read it last night and I was so excited about running I could barely sleep. I woke up at 9 this morning, had a protein drink and a yogurt and headed to the track. The book contains a running program that's designed to get you running 3 miles in 10 weeks. You run for a certain number of minutes (followed by minutes of rest) four times a week. Every week the minutes you run increase and the minutes you rest decrease until you're running for thirty minutes straight.

As part of my fitness plan, I am reading a book I got at the library called, "7 tools to beat addiction," to deal with my food addiction. It's a really good book and it's helping a lot and my eating has been AWESOME for two days now.

So I think all that qualifies as blooming.

Update on Cleveland

The job interview on Friday went VERY WELL. We talked for an hour and then she decided to have me to talk to the other woman in the office. Then she gave me a handbook -- I thought at first it was just PR info on the company, but no, it's the handbook. It has benefits info and company policies and all that.

I take that as a very good sign as she just did it sort of in the spur of the moment -- I don't think she was giving those to everyone.

Also, she said that within the next two weeks her boss is visiting and she is going to have the top candidates do an interview with her. She said we can handle that by phone if I'm not in Cleveland yet. I don't think she would have told me the next step if I wasn't going to be included in it.

The company is great. It's a home health care company -- most of their employees are nurses who go into people's homes and assist them. They don't have "customers" or "clients" -- they have patients.

Basically, customer service is their modus operandi, but because their customers are mostly elderly and infirm, they are particularly vulnerable. So it's not just customer service. Their mission statement, their vision for the company, their core values are focus on compassion, integrity and reliability. They have a company philosophy, which basically says that the customer comes first. So, if they have a patient who needs help, but they don't have the authorization from Medicare yet -- they go anyway, because the patient needs them.

The bottom line is important to them -- being financially strong enables them to do their work -- but their focus is on patient care. They aren't dictated by greed, but rather moved by values.

I can't believe it. A company with a heart and a soul that operates on the best results for their patients. It's like a miracle that I found them.

My job is basically the office go-to-girl. Because most of the employees are nurses in the field, it's just a small office staff. It would be the director, the client services manager and me. We talked about the fact that I have a Master's degree and that this is basically an entry level position, but honestly, that's what appeals to me about it.

I need a professional entry-level position. I have education, I have skills, I have depth and acumen and aptitude, but I have no industry.

There is no job in any industry that I can walk into and perform without several years of training. I want to be working on an executive level, but I realize I need to amass the industry knowledge necessary to do that. So, I'm a master's looking for a position that will teach me an industry and allow me to grow with the company -- eventually allowing me to work as an executive. I don't mind starting at the bottom -- I WANT to start at the bottom and work my way up.

When I told all this to the Director, she said, "you can do all that here."

All in all, it feels like the perfect match. To be honest, I think I'm the top candidate, but I'm not counting those chickens just yet. I have to do the interview with the Regional Director and then they'll make their final decision.

The application is in at the apartment and I should know tomorrow whether or not they need a co-signer. We can get all of that taken care of, hopefully by Weds and I can then order my truck and start finding people to help me unload it. I did the figuring last night and (with a lot of help from my parents) I can afford to move to Cleveland and pay my bills until January even if I don't have a job (which I don't think will be a problem cos I kinda already think I have a job).

So keep your fingers and toes crossed for me, might even want to braid your hair and I'll keep you updated.

And now, I'm off to pack....

My new Cleveland home

My apartment is in a building that was originally built in 1920. We know that not only from the architecture, deeds and records yada yada, but from the block-of-ice-sized window in the pantry, where they would have originally kept the ice chest (the window is boarded up and sealed now).

The apartment has all hardwood floors, 12-ft ceilings, a faux fireplace (which is where the real one used to be), new kitchen counter with new dishwasher, 2 bedrooms (or one bedroom and the computer room as I like to call it) and it's 1,400 sq feet...

for $620 per month including heat, sewer, trash and water. I pay electric and the only thing electric are the appliances.

It is AWESOME!

I'm filling out the application tonight and then I think I'm going to take it back to them tomorrow (rather than mailing it which would take a few days). I'm so excited!!!

It's beautiful and old, but not run-down. And it's the least expensive place I've seen. How lovely is that?

Tomorrow, I have an interview at a company about 15 minutes away from the apartment (SEND ME JOB GETTING VIBES!!!!) I would be a client services associate at a company that performs in-home health care. There is the possiblity for advancement, and they have good benefits as well as being willing to meet my salary expectations. I'm hoping it's perfect and I get it because it would be SO AWESOME to move to Cleveland WITH a job!

So it's all about the good news tonight!